


Swing Life Away

by wallflowerchronicles



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bottom!Dan, Emotional Manipulation, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Phanfiction, Rimming, Smut, Unrequited Love, except that it isn't, in which phan is real, top!phil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-21
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-02 16:33:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2818853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wallflowerchronicles/pseuds/wallflowerchronicles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan looks back on his relationship with Phil throughout the years. It's not the pretty picture that many of their fans imagine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

After posting his most recent video, Dan found himself wading through the YouTube comments and lurking on twitter. It had become a habit over the years, and it was sort of expected of everyone nowadays. But Dan didn’t mind. Well, usually. Sure, he loved seeing people’s reactions to his work, and he appreciated the feedback, but sometimes it was rough.

He knew that this was going to be one of those videos because he hadn’t uploaded in a while and the whole ‘tour of my brain’ idea had been Phil’s and everyone knew it. Certain people were going to say that he’d copied Phil and that he wasn’t original or creative enough anymore. Dan knew what to expect. Still, he scrolled through the comments anyway. He knew that it would be better to ignore the judgmental moaning, but he couldn’t help himself. Maybe he was slightly masochistic or something. It didn’t take long to find the hateful comments.

_Why the fuck did I subscribe to this?_

_Dan, I’m starting to think you’re like everyone else_

At least it was grammatically correct hate for once, which was something. Little did the commenters know that while the original idea had been Phil’s, Dan had put quite a lot of work into making it a reality for his video and for Phil’s. Hell, he’d spent hours just trekking across town trying to get a few copies of giant brains printed out, not to mention the immensely difficult and time-consuming editing process that he and Phil had tackled together for both videos.

He and Phil were a team on YouTube and in life, really.  Not in the same way that many of their fans imagined. Well, not exactly.

Dan switched over to twitter and replied to a few people asking about the opinion vault and the constant rhythm generator. Then a different sort of tweet caught his eye.

_WHERE IS UR ROMANTIC ZONE. DO U NOT HAVE A HEART_

Normally, he would just ignore a comment like that or try to make a joke out of it. And he did try to be amusingly hyperbolic in the reply he drafted, really he did.

_@hybridhowell that’s somewhere between the daydreams the regret and the_

_existential crisis_

Most people would probably just take it as a joke, but really it was stingingly accurate. Dan and Phil had always been a team when it came to their Youtube careers, but their off-screen relationship had often been much more… complicated to say the least.

Dan found himself thinking about the past, and about the regret part of what he’d said. He thought about whether or not he would go back and change things if he could. Maybe it was just that slightly masochistic part of him talking, but he didn’t think that he would. No, the ups and downs of the past five years or so hadn’t been easy, but he wouldn’t change them. He’d rather have the life he has now with Phil, even if it hadn’t all been some sort of fanfiction fairytale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short teaser prologue for you, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> The first full chapter will start in September 2009 and the story will progress forward from there. Get ready for an angst-filled roller coaster of a fic.
> 
> The title was taken from the Rise Against song of the same name.


	2. Let the Games Begin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read.

Dan doesn’t remember why he had decided to try to hack Phil’s twitter account one evening in September of 2009. Phil had probably been bragging about it to him on skype or something. Or maybe he was just bored that day. He’d been bored quite often during his gap year. Whenever he wasn’t talking to Phil, that is.

The password had been unbelievably easy to guess. Lions87. It was pathetic, really. Dan was honestly surprised that Phil hadn’t been hacked by a fan before. Well, Dan was a technically a fan, wasn’t he? They’d been skyping and chatting on twitter for several months now, and Phil had added Dan on his personal facebook in June, but their growing friendship didn’t change the fact that Dan was a fan of Amazingphil. Or did it? Dan really wasn’t sure.

He’d been logged into Phil’s twitter for about ten minutes and still hadn’t sabotaged anything. He thought about changing the password, but then he remembered that websites usually email people when their password is changed to warn them of possible fraud. He didn’t want Phil catching him before he’d even done anything fun.

_dan is sexy_

He tweeted. He sort of liked the idea that all of Phil’s followers will know that he is the hacker. That he knows Phil well enough to guess his password.

_sexier than phil_

Might as well rub it in.

_HAHAHAHA_

To make sure everyone knew that it was just a joke.

_OK BYE.  LOVE DAN xxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Just for good measure. Dan knew that it was pretty risky to mess with someone’s twitter like that, but he felt like he knew Phil well enough now to get away with it.

Dan thought about other fun ways to sabotage Phil’s twitter. He changed Phil’s icon to a derpy picture of himself, and considered DMing some people, but decided that that would be going too far. Instead, he went onto dailybooth while he waited for Phil to notice his twitter mischief. He’d only uploaded his first photo today, but it was already getting a unprecedented amount of attention. Which was probably only because Phil had commented on it.

_stop being so damn pretty dan howell_

Dan read Phil’s comment over and over again. He couldn’t believe that Phil had called him pretty, and in such a public way. But what was more baffling was the unknown motivation behind the words. Did Phil really think that Dan was attractive? Was he just teasing Dan for his baby face? Was it meant to be flirtatious? Dan just wasn’t sure.

It had been over 20 minutes since Dan’s first tweet from Phil’s account. Plenty of people had noticed, but Phil didn’t seem to be one of them. Tired of the anticipation, Dan decided to text him.

_Hey, what are u up to?_

A reply finally comes a few minutes later.

_At a party_

_oh. having fun? snogged anyone?_

_… maybe_

That was interesting. Dan felt like he shouldn’t pry, but he wanted to know more.

_not ur ex again I hope_

_Nope new guy_

So Phil had called Dan ‘damn pretty’ just earlier that day, and now he was kissing some ‘new guy’ at a party? Now Dan was even more confused. And still logged into Phil’s twitter…

_Phil kissed a boy and he liked it_

He tweeted. It seemed playful enough, but there was a hint of spite in the words too. Truthfully, he felt a bit guilty about it. Dan decided that enough was enough and logged back into his own account before alerting Phil to what he’d done.

_been on twitter lately?_

He texted. There was no response for almost half an hour. Maybe Phil was just on his way home from the party. At least, that’s what Dan hoped.

Finally, Dan saw a notification on twitter.

_@amazingphil: is going to kill Dan_

Dan laughed. If Phil was actually mad, he’d probably have deleted the tweets and pretended that nothing had happened. Then Dan’s phone buzzes.

_I hate you._

_no u don’t_

_yeah_

Dan was pretty sure that Phil meant ‘yeah, I know’ rather than ‘yeah, I do hate you’, but much like the ‘damn pretty’ comment, he really couldn’t be sure. He was playing a high stakes game, and he’d wagered his own sanity. He felt extremely faltered that someone like Phil would give him the time of day, let alone show true interest in him. Still, he couldn’t tell if Phil was constantly flirting with him just for the hell of it or if they were maybe headed somewhere.

Near the beginning of October, Phil send Dan a DM on twitter telling him (before telling the rest of the world) that he’d been offered the spot on the Apartment Red series that he’s tried out for. Dan recalled the hours they had spent on skype one night talking about the audition. Dan told him to go for it, but Phi had been doubtful and reluctant. Sometimes, he was nothing like the Amazingphil that Dan knew so well from his videos. But in the end, Dan had been right and Phil had come out on top.

_I think you’re my lucky charm_

Phil said to Dan in a second DM. Dan blushed hard and was thankful that Phil couldn’t see it through the reply that he quickly typed out.

_omg im well happy for you. :]]] and thats awesome, everything has worked out ;o_

Things took an even more promising turn when Dan confessed to Phil a few weeks later that he was feeling rather lonely since his friends had left for uni and Phil had asked if he’d like to come visit him in Manchester. While Phil’s parents are away in Florida, to top it off.

And that was how about a month after the twitter hacking incident, Dan found himself on a train headed north to meet a man he’d had a crush on for years, but never dreamed he’d have the chance to meet in person.

Dan tried to focus on the pad of paper sitting in front of him, but he was just too nervous. He was supposed to be coming up with video ideas for his own fledgling channel, but mostly he was just tapping along to the song blaring through his headphones with the pen in his left hand.

Then, as if fate was punishing him for being an annoying twat, the pen slipped from his fingers, clattered to the floor, and rolled underneath his seat.  Dan suddenly became aware that multiple serious-faced adults were staring at him. Sometimes his life seemed like an endless stream of awkward moments, and this was certainly one of them. He dreaded what sort of awkward mistakes his was going to make in front of Phil.

Time drug on and on, and Dan wondered what sort of things Phil had planned for them to do in Manchester that afternoon. But then all of a sudden, the train pulled into Piccadilly Station. Dan’s heart began to race faster and faster. He fumbled with his phone, trying to text Phil that he’d arrived. He looked out the window and decided not to bother with the phone, because there was Phil, just stood there with his back to a pillar looking like some sort of sex god. Phil flicked his fringe out of his eyes as he looked up at the train. Dan gulped, momentarily frozen in his seat, convinced that he would never in a million years be good enough for a guy like Phil.

Once he finally found the courage to get off the train and walk over to Phil and say hello, he was immediately enveloped in what was probably the best hug he’d ever experienced. Phil’s arms wrapped around him tightly, but not too tightly. Phil was a bit taller than Dan, but they were close enough to the same height that no one’s throat was smashed against anyone else’s collarbone. It felt warm and genuine. It felt right.

“You smell good,” Phil said as Dan pulled away.

“What?” Dan asked with a small giggle.

“Sorry, I just…” said Phil, “I say weird things sometimes. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“No, it’s alright,” Dan replied. Honestly, Dan was surprised that he hadn’t said something strange like that. It certainly seemed like something awkward enough for him to do. So the fact that Phil really was just as weird as him was actually sort of a relief.

“How about we get a Starbucks?” Phil asked.  

“Yeah, sure,” agreed Dan. Even though it was then midafternoon, Dan had needed to wake up much earlier than he would have liked to catch his train, so he could use the caffeine. But also, who would ever say no to Starbucks?

They sat on an old, but comfortable sofa in the corner of the café, sipping their caramel macchiatoes. Phil had insisted on paying for Dan’s drink, which made Dan wonder whether or not this counted as a date. Sure, they flirted on twitter often enough, but hadn’t Phil been snogging some guy at a party not that long ago? Not to mention snogging his ex boyfriend not long before that? Dan had mentioned to Phil that he also likes guys, but then again, he’d also mentioned that he might still have feeling for is ex girlfriend who he’d only really broken up with because she was going to uni this year and he wasn’t.

Dan tried to focus less on those sorts of questions and more on the adventures through Manchester that Phil had planned out for them. After Starbucks, their next stop was the apple store. Phil suggested that they make use of the webcams and free wifi to take and upload a picture to both of their dailybooths. The thought crept into Dan’s head that if this were their first date, they would always have that photo from it, which Dan thought was quite nice.

After narrowly escaping the annoyed Apple employees that were probably planning to kick them out of the store soon, Dan and Phil walked around the town center for a bit to “kill some time,” as Phil put it.

“Kill some time before what?” Dan asked.

“Can I keep this one a surprise?” Phil asked with pleading eyes.

“Does it involve food?”

“Yes, I promise that there will be food,” Phil replied with a small laugh. They wandered around the shopping center for a bit longer, and stopped to make fun of the creepy mannequin ladies in the window at Marks and Spencer’s. Dan felt his phone buzz in his pocket a few times, telling him that he’d received a text message. It was probably his mother checking to see that he was still alive. He’d let her know when he got to Manchester like she’d asked, but that was several hours ago.

Dan’s parents were fairly young and fairly accepting. They had been fine with it when Dan mentioned talking to Phil online. They weren’t even bothered when Dan told them that he was bisexual. But the idea of their 18-year-old son traveling alone to meet a 22-year-old man he’d met on the internet had not gone over smoothly.

He understood where they were coming from, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t been a little worried too. But Dan felt like he knew Phil pretty well. They’d spent hours and hours together on skype, and hanging out in person wasn’t really any different.

Somewhere amidst the cheesy yet hilarious jokes and the random but cute animal facts, Phil extemporaneously grabbed hold of Dan’s wrist and said, “let’s go!”

“What? Okay, where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, remember?”

The Sky Bar was absolutely magnificent. It felt wonderful knowing that someone had wanted to do something so nice for Dan for once. Dan was shocked by the prices of the appetizers and cocktails and protested that it was too much, but Phil insisted.

“We’re here to celebrate,” Phil explained.

“To celebrate what exactly?”

“The launch of your soon-to-be very successful YouTube channel, of course.”

“Any success I have will be entirely because of your help. I should be the one buying you drinks,” Dan said. He would probably still have zero subscribers and abysmally few views if Phil hadn’t tweeted out his first video. “I owe you so much, and I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you,” he added.

“You don’t owe me anything, Dan. Giving you a head start will help both of us in the long run,” Phil professed. “You see, I think we could make a great team. With your dashing good looks and wit, my editing skills and the subscriber base that I already have, we could really have something special on our hands.” Dan blushed, and Phil smiled at his reaction. “I’m sure you've seen the reaction we get on twitter whenever we mention skyping each other or say something suggestive. They love it! They can’t get enough.”

Dan was relieved when their drinks arrived, as it prompted a change in conversation. He was also grateful for the drink itself, as he was still feeling nervous about where exactly this was going. But then they started talking about which color of snokoplasm their drinks looked most similar to, and things felt back to normal. Dan found him laughing at Phil’s silliness, and he wondered how Phil managed to seem so childish and innocent sometimes and so devious and downright sexy at others.

When they left the Hilton, Dan assumed that they were headed to Phil’s house, but he was surprised yet again. The view from the top of the Manchester Eye was even better than the one they’d had from the Sky Bar. In fact, it was down right romantic.

“It’s gorgeous,” Dan whispered as he looked out over the skyline.

“You’re gorgeous,” Phil declared.

Dan turned toward Phil and found no hint of jest on his face.  They were descending toward the ground now. For some reason, the gradual loss in altitude felt like a chance slipping away. If he had stopped to think it through, he probably would have made a different call, or maybe that was just hindsight altering his perception of the memory.  In that split second, Dan decided to take a risk. He leaned in toward Phil and kissed him. Dan realized after it was already too late that his lips were probably chapped, and that he really should have asked permission before kissing a guy he’d only met earlier that day. Dan quickly realized that Phil definitely wasn’t kissing him back and that this had been a terrible, terrible mistake.

“I’m sorry,” Dan apologized as soon as he pulled away.  He was absolutely mortified. This was so much worse than telling someone they smelled good. This was so much worse than practically every single stupid thing Dan had ever done in his entire life. He moved as far away from Phil as he could get, and he instantly regretted taking that sort of chance with no possible route of escape. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was stupid,” he said.

“No, it’s alright Dan, I just wasn’t expecting that,” Phil explained. “I think maybe I’ve misled you a bit. I find you very attractive, but I’m looking to team up with you on YouTube. I don’t want to put that in jeopardy for a casual fling, and I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Well, not a real one anyway.”

“What do you mean, not a real one?” Dan asked. He didn’t understand what all of Phil’s flirting had been about if he wasn’t interested in him, but apparently it was some fort of “fake” relationship.  

“I mean one where we hint at a relationship slowly over time to attract attention, but never give any sort of definitive answer as to whether or not it’s real. A relationship for the benefit of the fans.”

“For your fans,” said Dan.

“Our fans,” Phil corrected. “I know it sounds weird, but it’s basically just a marketing strategy. Take some time to think about it at least.”

Dan couldn’t stop thinking about it for most of the night. When they’d finally gotten back to Phil’s parent’s house, they were tired enough that they decided to forgo the air mattress intended for Dan and share Phil’s double bed instead. Phil fell asleep quickly, but Dan lay awake, lost in thought. Phil was probably right. The appearance of a relationship with him probably would help his budding YouTube career immensely. But Dan couldn’t help but think that he’d much rather have the real thing.

They filmed a video together for Phil’s channel the next day complete with sharpied on cat whiskers. They’d finished with the Q&A and moved on to the outro when Phil smirked at the camera and gently tackled Dan to the floor.

“What was that for?” Dan asked.

“I’ll put a jump cut there, it’ll drive everyone crazy.”

“Because they’ll think that we can’t keep our hands off each other?” Dan was still fairly skeptical of Phil’s master plan.

“Exactly,” Phil answered.

Dan remained unconvinced. After they’d finished filming, he asked, “Do you really think they’ll read that much into something like that?”

“Trust me, they will. Wouldn’t you?”

It was the first time that Phil had alluded to the fact that Dan had started off as just another one of his fans. But he had a point. If he were still just a fan observing from the outside and Phil had started flirting incessantly with some guy all over the internet, then filmed a video with him and acted the way they’d just acted, he would have assumed that there was something more between them. And, if he was being honest, it probably would have made him incredibly jealous, and therefore even more intrigued by Phil. Dan sighed dramatically before admitting that Phil was probably right.

“See? Just keep doing what you’ve been doing on twitter and dailybooth. And work on some new videos. You’ll see,” Phil promised. “Wanna play some guitar hero?” he then asked without missing a beat.

“Sure,” Dan replied just as casually, as if they hadn’t just been discussing a conspiracy to trick the public and gain more notoriety on YouTube. Dan decided that it was a pretty good idea, really. He saw no real harm in it, at least. But Dan had no idea just how hard it was going to be to pretend to have something he desperately desired while knowing that it would never be real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may be starting to see, the version of Phil that I present in this story can be cunning and manipulative. He uses that against Dan even more so in future chapters. It might be a bit triggering for some people, so I thought I'd warn you now. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are always appreciated :)


	3. Uma Thurman

The next few days passed by in an uneventful blur. Dan returned home, and despite a few extra judgmental looks from his parents, things returned to normal. Phil had returned to his goofy, slightly flirtatious self. He had mentioned nothing of the “marketing strategy” he’d suggested to Dan in Manchester, and Dan returned to his web surfing and video games. One morning, he woke up to a tweet from Phil.

_@danisnotonfire check dm’s when you wake up x]_

Phil had mentioned that he had been editing the video they made together and had promised to let Dan look at it before he made it public. And sure enough, the dm in question contained a hyperlink to a private video uploaded by AmazingPhil.

‘phil is not on fire’ turned out to be a rather funny, uniquely edited Q & A. Dan was proud of the result. And he would be lying if he denied seeing the on-screen chemistry between him and Phil. It wasn’t just the physical contact, or even the longing looks. It was obvious that he and Phil knew each other incredibly well despite having known each other for only a few months. Dan knew that the audience would pick up on that.

He sent Phil a DM telling him that he thought the video was great and that he could set it to public. Dan also took a few screenshots from the video and made a collage of them to upload to his dailybooth. He had somehow made his way onto one of his favorite YouTuber’s channels. He was excited, and he wanted to tell the world.

When Dan ventured back to YouTube awhile later, he saw that he’d gained almost one hundred new subscribers in just the last hour or so since Phil’s video had gone live. He read some of the comments on the video, and saw that Phil had been right. Many people were saying that Phil and Dan were clearly a couple. Dan still couldn’t quite see how this assumption was helpful to Phil, but it was already working in Dan’s favor.

Dan was supposed to be going to London the following week to go to a Halloween YouTube gathering with Phil. He’d already bought the train tickets when he’d booked his trip to Manchester to see Phil the first time. So it would be quite a waste to not go, really.

After a trip to Fabricland for some material and some sewing assistance from his grandma, Dan somehow managed to put together a half-decent costume. He’d decided to go as a bear because Phil was going as a cat, and because bears had been Dan’s favorite animals as a child. It did seem like a strange costume for an 18-year-old boy, but Dan thought that Phil would like it.

“You make a very cute bear,” Phil said as he drew dots on Dan’s cheeks with his ‘cat face pen’ after they’d met up in London the afternoon of Halloween. Dan blushed, and told Phil that he made a very sexy cat.

The rest of the afternoon and evening was mostly a blur for Dan. The YouTube gathering mostly consisted of people in costume milling about and chatting to one another outdoors. Phil introduced Dan to many of his friends, and they were nice enough, but Dan couldn’t help but feel out of place. He’d contributed a grand total of three videos to YouTube, well, four if you counted the collab with Phil, but he knew that he didn’t belong among this crowd. Several people that he met were genuinely nice and interesting, and it was fun to see so many people that he recognized from their YouTube videos. There were also many people vlogging at the event, and not knowing when he was being filmed made Dan nervous. He stayed pinned to Phil’s side all evening, and he could tell that Phil was concerned. Thank god for the copious supply of alcohol.

At some point late into the evening, Phil grabbed ahold of Dan’s wrist and pulled him away from the crowd. There was a pizza place across the street that was still open, so they went in and each bought a slice.

“Some of the other YouTuber’s aren’t big on eating,” Phil said. “But I know I’m hungry and I’m sure you are too.”

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Dan admitted. They found a fountain across the square and sat on the edge. “Why don’t they eat? Are they that concerned with their appearance?” Dan asked, motioning to the nearby crowd.

“I guess,” Phil said, “but I know I’d rather eat pizza.” Dan nodded in agreement. Part of him always wanted to eat healthier and get fit, but he loved food too much, and it certainly wasn’t worth starving yourself. Dan was glad that Phil felt the same way.

“Are you doing okay?” Phil asked after they’d finished their pizza.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I know that you don’t really know any of these people, and that’s probably awkward. I’m sorry if you’re not having much fun.”

“Thanks, but I’m really okay. And I am having fun,” Dan said. It wasn’t that the event wasn’t fun, he just didn’t feel like he belonged. “We can go back now. I’m sure that you want to spend time with your friends,” Dan offered.

“It might seem like I’ve got all these friends, but some of them I hardly know,” Phil explained with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Sure, but you don’t get to see them very often…” Dan started, but Phil interrupted him.

“I just want to be with you,” Phil confessed. Maybe it was the lighting, or maybe it was just because Dan _was_ a little drunk, but he was sure he could see a longing in Phil’s bright eyes.

“Really?” Dan asked. Phil nodded and smiled as if to say ‘of course’ without the words. He moved closer to brush the hair out of Dan’s eye, and then leaned in as if he was going to kiss him. Dan was shocked to say the least, and perhaps that’s why Phil stopped short and pulled back, muttering an apology. Dan retaliated by putting his hand on the back of Phil’s neck, pulling him in, and kissing him urgently.

Unlike Dan’s previous attempt, Phil not only kissed him back, but also did so with equal passion. Phil’s hand found its way to the side of Dan’s ribs, and Dan’s fingers latched into Phil’s hair. Dan’s stomach filled with butterflies like never before when he felt Phil’s tongue brush up against his lips. When he parted them is response, he couldn’t help but moan faintly.

A few moments later, Dan had gotten so caught up in the fact that his was actually happening that he found himself kissing biting at the base of Phil’s neck without really realizing what he was doing.

“Dan,” Phil said softly. “Dan, stop.”

Immediately Dan pulled away and looked up at Phil. His heart sank at the thought that he’d screwed this up yet again. “That’s going to leave a mark, isn’t it?” Dan realized. “Oh God, I’m sorry Phil, I wasn’t thinking. You won’t be able to film…”

“What? Oh, I’m not worried about that, Dan,” Phil explained. “I’m the one that should be apologizing. I shouldn’t have started that. It was inappropriate and I’m sorry.”

“Phil, I don’t understand what you mean by that. You’ve said that you find me attractive, and clearly you still do. I’m attracted to you. So… why not?”

“I do find you very attractive. But I also don’t want to hurt you,” Phil said.

“You’re not going to,” Dan lied.

“You’re drunk, and I shouldn’t take advantage…”

“I’m not _that_ drunk,” Dan argued.

“Well, in any case, we shouldn’t be so public about it.”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked. Phil was the one who wanted his fans to believe they were together.

“What if someone saw a took a picture? What if we’re in the background of someone’s video right now? We can’t have that getting out. The idea is to tease them, not to get them absolute proof right at the start,” Phil explained.

“Fair point,” Dan admitted. “But you wouldn’t mind if I weren’t drunk and we weren’t in public?”

“No, I wouldn’t mind, if it’s something you want, too. But take some time to think about it. I want you to be sure you’re okay with it.”

Dan couldn’t be sure, but he was fairly certain that Phil was talking about more than just kissing. Phil wanted him, but he didn’t want to date him. Logically, Dan knew that a friends with benefits situation wasn’t a good idea, especially since he definitely had feelings for Phil. But Dan wasn’t thinking logically. He wanted to be with Phil, and he was going to take whatever he could get, whatever Phil was willing to give. If that only amounted to casual, meaningless physical relationship, then Dan figured it was better than nothing.

Nearly a month went by before Dan has an opportunity to act on his decision. Phil did make a video in which the hickey Dan had given him was clearly visible, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Dan and Phil continued their public flirting, Dan had let Phil post a few screenshots from their late night skype calls, and they’d filmed a video together for Dan’s channel, but neither of them brought up the conversation by the fountain. But now, Dan was going to stay with Phil for a whole week, and Phil’s parents were once again going to be out of town.

The first day was mostly spent in Manchester. They even made a return trip to the Skybar, which Dan thoroughly enjoyed. The next day is spent in a far more lazy fashion. They watched Wall-E downstairs after dinner, and Dan tried to hide the fact that he’d teared up a bit during the film, but he realized that Phil was in much the same state.

“Aw, bear, did the film make you sad?” Phil teased. He’d called Dan ‘bear’ a few times since Halloween, and normally Dan wasn’t a huge fan of nicknames, but this one sounded nice.

“Shut up, you’ve got zero room to talk,” Dan snapped.

“Come on, let’s go back upstairs,” Phil suggested. Dan liked the sound of that.

They end up on Phil’s bed both browsing the internet on their respective laptops. It wasn’t exactly what Dan had in mind, but it wasn’t a bad way to spend an evening.

“You’re well on your way to ten thousand subscribers, aren’t you?” Phil asked seemingly out of nowhere.

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Dan said in reply. “Thank you again…”

“Dan, stop,” Phil said. “You’ve thanked me enough. And it’s my pleasure. I like having you around. Here and online.” Dan smiled and felt himself blush. “And like I said, it will help me too, in the long run,” Phil added.

“I still don’t see how exactly.”

“Most people have found your channel from mine, but eventually, it will go the other way too. I bet there have already been a few people that have found you first.”

“Sure, but why do we need to act like a couple in order to make that work?”

“It just makes us more interesting, really,” Phil explained. “And it’s fun. In fact, what do you say we have a little fun with them right now?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“May I?” Phil asked, gesturing to Dan’s computer. Dan handed it over, knowing that Phil was probably going to tweet something from his account. It wouldn’t matter, since he could quickly delete it without anyone noticing. There were some upsides to not having as many followers as someone like Phil.

_All I can taste is cherry, all I can smell is cherry, all I can hear is cherry and all I can feel is cherry. Can’t really see much though_

Phil passed the laptop back to Dan to let him read the tweet. “This is the sort of thing that will work quite well for our purposes,” he said.

“I don’t get it,” said Dan. Phil gave him a dubious look, then leaned over and retrieved a small object from underneath the bed. He tossed it into Dan’s lap playfully. Dan turned it over in his hand and saw that it was cherry flavored lube.

“Phil!” Dan shouted.

“See? It got your attention, didn’t it?”

Dan nodded, because it was true. He closed his laptop and put it aside. Butterflies filled Dan’s stomach after an idea popped into his head. He was holding Phil’s bottle of lube in his hand, and he wasn’t going to let that opportunity pass him by.

Dan looked Phil square in the eyes and said, “Did you get this out to use it? Or are you just trying to tease me?”

Phil sat up and placed his laptop on the floor. “Are you being serious?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” Dan replied. He flipped the bottle cap open and squirted a bit of the translucent red gel onto his fingers. It smelled like cherry cough syrup, sweet, but clearly artificial. Dan brought his fingers up to his mouth and slowly licked them, keeping eye contact with Phil the whole time. The stuff tasted a little like cough syrup too, but it wasn’t terrible. When he brought his first two fingers into his mouth and sucked on them, Phil let out a faint moan. Dan clicked the cap back into place just before Phil tackled him down onto the bed and kissed him roughly.

Almost immediately, Phil began pulling up the hem of Dan’s shirt. Dan leaned up a bit to allow Phil to tug it over his head. The kisses that followed were rapid and sloppy.

Phil broke away momentarily to say, “You’re so beautiful,” before he started kissing Dan’s neck.

“Could we turn off the lights?” Dan asked when Phil moved from sucking at his neck to kissing along his collarbone. He knew that he wasn’t fat, but he had still never been pleased with his body. He carried a little extra weight at his hips and along the tops of his thighs, and he’d rather not have it scrutinized under the bright light from Phil’s ceiling fan.

Phil looked up at Dan and nodded. He pushed up off of the bed and walked across the room to flip the switch.

Dan somehow had the presence of mind to sit up and pull off his socks while Phil is up. Phil pulled his own shirt off on his way back, and then knelt between Dan’s legs to resume their fervent kissing. Dan’s heart leaps within his chest when Phil puts his arms around him and presses their chests together.

They continued on for several minutes, and Dan was certainly fully hard by that time, but they both seemed reluctant to make the first move below the belt, aside from Phil squeezing Dan’s ass a few times.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours first,” Phil said with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. Dan rolled his eyes in return, then reached forward to unbutton Phil’ jeans and found that Phil was obviously hard as well.

Once they were both down to just boxers, Dan leaned back onto the mattress and pulled Phil down with him. Dan moaned loudly when Phil grinded their erections together. Phil licked and nibbled at Dan’s nipple as he slid Dan’s boxers off.

Dan had never felt more vulnerable in his life, but he wasn't afraid. Phil made a hesitant move to retrieve the bottle of lube, as if silently asking how far Dan wanted to take this.

“I want you to fuck me,” Dan announced without any real provocation. He said it so candidly because Dan kept thinking not only of how much he wanted that, but how this might be his only chance. Phil could change his mind about their arrangement at any time, and Dan would never forgive himself if he wasted what might be his only opportunity to have something that he wanted so badly.

While Phil poured some of the cherry lube onto his fingers, Dan bent his knees and pulled his legs up toward his chest, exposing his ass. But Phil shook his head and asked him to turn over.

“You’ve never done this before, right?” Phil asked.

“I’ve fingered myself before,” Dan answered, “But no, I’ve never been with a guy.”

Dan felt Phil kiss his neck and shoulders a few times before he felt the cold lube at his entrance. Surprisingly, what came next was not a finger, but Phil’s tongue licking at his rim and gently poking inside. It was a pleasure that Dan had never even imagined, and he moaned shamelessly.

Phil opened him up slowly using his tongue and eventually inserted a cherry-coated finger in its place. He added a second finger a few moments later and began to scissor them. Dan cried out when Phil finally found his prostate, and Phil kisses and sucked at his neck.

“Please, I’m ready,” Dan breathed out.

“Not just yet,” Phil said, “I want to be sure I won’t hurt you.” Phil sounded rather serious, and Dan wondered if there wasn’t a specific reason, perhaps a bad memory, that made Phil feel the need to be particularly cautious.

“Okay, ready?” Phil asked a bit later, after he’d thoroughly stretched Dan with three fingers and retrieved a condom.

“Yeah,” Dan replied.

The stretch did burn, making Dan wince, but once Phil bottomed out, he felt almost pleasantly full. Phil paused to let Dan adjust, and reached around to grasp and stroke Dan’s dick. Dan opened his eyes and gasped.

“You can move,” Dan said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

Phil moved his hips slowly at first, and then began to fuck Dan in earnest. They both breathed heavily. Dan’s hands gripped the sheets, desperately trying to find something solid to hold on to.

Each time Phil hit his prostate, Dan moaned. Part of him still couldn’t believe that this was really happening, that he’d somehow been so lucky.

“Phil, Phil I’m gonna come,” Dan breathed out moments later. Phil bent down and bit into Dan’s shoulder in response. The shock of it and the mixture of pain and immense pleasure was what pushed Dan over the edge. He came over Phil’s fist, and Phil followed suit a handful of thrusts later.

Dan felt incredibly empty when Phil pulled out and rolled away. Dan rolled onto his back, located his boxers, and slipped them back on. “I feel like Uma Thurman is staring at me,” he said as Phil walked over to the small bin on the other side of the room to dispose of the condom.

“What?” Phil asked as he too replaced his boxers. Dan pointed to the Kill Bill poster on Phil’s bedroom door in response.

“Oh,” Phil said with a small laugh. “We've scarred her for life, probably,” he added as he climbed back onto the bed and lay down next to Dan.

“Yeah, probably,” Dan said. Suddenly, he was struck with an idea. He reached for his laptop and logged back on to twitter.

“What are you doing?” Phil asked in a rather tired voice.

“Taking your advice,” Dan answered. He could tease Phil’s fans just as easily as Phil could. Dan also hoped that it would show Phil that he had decided he was willing to play Phil’s little game. It was what Phil wanted, and he didn’t really see the harm in it.

Dan typed out his idea and concluded that he was pretty proud of it.

_Uma Thurman just watched me have sex_

Dan showed the tweet to Phil.

“I love it,” Phil said. “It’s pretty obvious, but not proof. It could just be a joke for all anyone really knows,” he added. Dan felt so happy to have pleased Phil.

“Except it’s very true, and even though I can’t really see her, I can still feel her judging me,” Dan joked. “Don’t lie, you know you liked it,” he said in the direction of the poster on the door.

Phil laughed again and reached over to close Dan’s laptop. When Dan opened his mouth to protest, Phil turned and kissed him.

“Sleep,” was all Phil said as he returned to his side of the bed. And Dan couldn’t really argue against that idea.

It was nearly noon by the time Dan woke up the next morning. Phil was wide-awake, but still lying next to him. “I don’t want to get up,” Dan groaned.

“Then don’t,” Phil said. Dan let himself close his eyes again, but he knew that he couldn’t fall back asleep with the light pouring in from the gaps around the curtains. He opened his eyes again, surrendering to the idea of waking up. But he still didn’t feel like moving.

“What are you thinking about?” Phil asked a few minutes later. Dan looked up at him and smiled slightly.

“I’m thinking about this scheme of yours,” Dan admitted. The plan to lie to the entirety of the internet, he should have said. Really he’d been thinking about Phil and how he didn’t want the previous night to be a one-time thing.

“Hmm,” Phil said. “What about it?”

“So… if we did this, how would it work?” Dan asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Like, in the long term. How long would we keep it up?”

“Well, if you still go to uni next fall, then we certainly wouldn’t be able to make as many videos together. I suppose we could play it like we’re sad long distance lovers. Or that we were lovers, but aren’t any longer because of the change in circumstances. Especially if you find someone else and you want to be public about it.”

“And what if… what if my going to uni were to bring us closer?” Dan asked nervously. “What if I come to Manchester?”

“I didn’t know you were applying to Manchester.”

“Well, I honestly don’t think I have a great change of getting in, so I wasn’t going to bother with it, but… You see, I recently met someone that’s made me want to try,” Dan admitted with a sheepish grin.

Phil looked concerned at first. “Because you think that if you lived here, that we would be together?”

Dan understood what Phil was getting at. “No,” he said, shaking his head, “I know that that’s not what you want, and I understand.” Except that he really didn’t.

“Why, then?” Phil asked.

“Because you might be the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Dan told him with a straight face. That much, at least, was true. Phil’s eyes widened. “I never thought that I could make my own videos, and I never would have tried if it weren’t for you. And I’ve never really had a best friend, but I think that I might now?”

Dan’s heart beat just as fast, maybe faster, than it had the night before, and he didn’t know what had made him think that he could just say these things. But then he realized that Phil was smiling at him, and pulling Dan into his arms.

“Yeah, you do,” Phil said after planting a kiss on the top of Dan’s head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> I'm sorry that's it's taken me so long to update. As I said in the comments of the last chapter, I'm a busy grad student, and this is just a hobby that I only occasionally have time for. That said, would you all prefer that I hold off posting again until I have the whole fic completed and can post regularly or are sporadic chapter uploads better?


	4. Getting More Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for alcohol, swearing, and very brief mentions of dom/sub themes

Twenty ten. At the time, it sounded more like some space-age, far into the future date rather than just the next new year. But then again, Dan’s life had changed so drastically since the beginning of 2009 that it almost made sense.

Dan spent New Year’s Eve in London, with Phil, of course. One of Phil’s friends, Tom, hosted a house party for a large group of their YouTube friends. Dan ended up getting along with them very well, but that may or may not have been due to the socially lubricating effects of copious amounts of alcohol. When he woke up on the floor the next morning, he remembered having fun, but also being angry with Phil. The empty bottle of Malibu rum that was still in his hand explained _why_ he couldn’t remember, but not _what_ he couldn’t remember.

Phil must have done something to piss him off.  But there was a good chance he would figure out what fairly soon, because when Dan got on a train home later that day, Phil was coming with him. It was another one of Dan’s hare-brained ideas: if his parents met Phil, they probably wouldn’t hate him so much. But maybe it wouldn’t happen after all. Maybe Phil was just as mad at Dan and he wouldn't be coming to Reading with him.

“Dan?” Phil asked, placing his hand on Dan’s shoulder. Dan made the mistake of opening his eyes too quickly, and he groaned at the brightness of the daylight.

“What time is it?” Dan asked.

“Half past noon,” was the answer. Dan noticed that Phil looked remarkably awake. “Here, drink,” Phil said, handing Dan a bottle of water.

“Thanks,” Dan said. It had been awhile since he’d gotten drunk enough to forget the previous night. He still had no idea why he woken up mad at Phil, but Phil didn’t seem to be mad at him.

“Starbucks before train ride?” Phil suggested.

“Sure,” Dan replied. On the way to the coffee shop, Dan tried to remember as much as he could from the night before. There was lots of alcohol and lots of music. Good music. Phil’s friends had good taste, which might have been another reason why Dan had gotten along with them so well. He remembered talking and laughing, but not much talking and laughing with Phil. Was that it? Was he mad at Phil for ignoring him? Or did he ignore Phil because he was mad at him?

“Did you have a good time?” Phil asked Dan while they waited for their lattes.

“Yeah, what I remember of it was good.”

“You blacked out? You got that drunk?” Phil sounded a little surprised, but not judgmental.

“I guess so,” Dan admitted.

“You drank that much, but you didn’t throw up?” Phil asked as they made their way to the train station.

“Nope! I haven’t puked from drinking in years,” Dan attested.

“Which you’re clearly very proud of,”

“Duh,”

“I’m sure you’ll fit right in at university.”

Dan laughed at that. Even though Phil was kidding, he was probably right.

“Wait,” Dan said later, once they were seated on the train. “How did you know that I didn’t puke last night?”

“Because I was in the bathroom for most of the night with the people who were puking to make sure they were okay,” Phil explained.

Oh. That was why Dan couldn’t remember spending much time with Phil at the party.

“Why?”

“Because someone needed to?” Phil said as though he were confused why Dan was asking. Because New Year’s is supposed to be fun and hopeful, Dan thought to himself. It’s supposed to be about celebrating, not holding someone’s hair back while they puke. It’s for counting down to midnight and kissing someone that you…

Crap. Phil being MIA during the party meant that Dan didn’t even get to try to kiss him at midnight. Which Dan had definitely been planning to do. Which was why he’d woken up angry with Phil. Which he definitely had no right to be.

Because he and Phil were just friends. Granted, they were friends who messed around and had fucked a few times, but it didn’t mean anything, and Dan had no right to hope for a New Year’s kiss.

“Yeah, of course,” Dan finally responded. He fidgeted with the coffee cup in his hands, picking at the sticker on the side. Now he had to focus on the next few days and making things go smoothly with his parents. Then would come his January internship with a law firm and re-sitting his psychology exam, then figuring out where he was going to uni.

It was a busy month for Dan, with commuting to London and revising while still trying to make YouTube videos and answer formspring questions. Phil’s visit to Reading had gone fine, really, but it hadn’t done much to change his parent’s opinions. His mum seemed to like Phil, but they were both still skeptical of the whole YouTube thing and of Dan’s sudden interest in the University of Manchester.

Manchester was all Dan could think about. Every day in London or at home made him miss Phil more and more. His heart was stuck in the snowy north. Manchester Uni was a far-fetched dream with Dan’s A levels, but he’d never wanted anything more.

In the last days of January, he checked UCAS every morning. Dan held his breath as the page loaded, and day after day, there was no news. That changed on February 4th. Only one university had posted a decision, but it was the only one that mattered. Dan couldn’t believe his eyes, but his fate was right there, written in the pixels of his laptop screen.

The University of Manchester; decision: Unconditional

He was in. Somehow, the universe had smiled on him yet again. Hands shaking, he reached for his phone and rang Phil.

“Hello?” Phil answered after three unbearably long rings.

“Phil, phil, phil, phil!” Dan shouted in rapid succession.

“Dan, what, are you okay?”

“Oh my god, Phil, you’re never gonna believe this!”

“What?”

“I got in!” This was definitely the most excited he’d been probably since the day he’d met Phil in person for the first time.

“What?!” Phil sounded nearly as excited as Dan.

“I got into Manchester!” Dan repeated. “I don’t know how, but I don’t really care. Unless maybe it was some kind of mistake and they’re going to take it back? Can they do that? Can they take it back?”

“I don’t think so. And I doubt it was a mistake, either,” Phil replied. “This is great, Dan, I’m really happy for you! Do you think your parents will be okay with you going?”

‘Thanks,” Dan said. “I mean, they’re probably not going to be happy about it, but how can they really deny me a good education at a good school?”

“Yeah, it is a good opportunity. I’m sure they’ll see that,”

“Things are looking up again, Phil. I’m moving to Manchester in 7 months, and you’re about to hit 100,000 subscribers…”

“I know; it’s crazy! I really do think that you’re my lucky charm, Dan,” Phil confessed.

“Sure, and you’re my fairy godmother,” Dan said sarcastically in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“What?” Phil asked with a laugh.

“I mean, you hitting 100K has nothing to do with me,” Dan explained.

“I think you’re wrong,” said Phil.

Things were only uphill from there. Dan spent more and more time with Phil, especially after Phil moved into his own apartment in Manchester, not too far from where Dan would be living in the fall. In the summer, Phil was invited to go to Jamaica by some underwater camera company, and he conned them into letting Dan come too. At times, it was easy for Dan to pretend that they were a real couple on holiday together.

Once Dan moved into the university halls in September, he felt incredibly free. He spent nearly every weekend at Phil’s, and there was no one to judge him for that. Sometimes they would film videos together, and Phil would teach Dan how to improve his editing skills. Usually they spent most of their time just hanging out. They’d watch movies, play video games, eat Chinese take away, and usually end up in bed together. Dan always reminded himself that it wasn’t a real relationship, but it felt like one, and it felt pretty damn nice.

Things start to seem a little less than nice a few days before Halloween. Dan had gone into town with Phil. They were stopped in a shop by a couple of subscribers, which wasn’t unusual. What was strange was that these two girls only seemed interested in talking to Dan. They ignored Phil, and one of them was flat-out rude to him. When Phil told them to have a nice day, she’d turned and rolled her eyes.

That night, Phil had gotten a bit rough during sex. He pushed Dan around, smacked his ass a few times, and demanded that Dan keep his arms over his head while Phil fucked him. Not that Dan minded. On the contrary, he found it to be rather hot.

The following Friday, Dan went to Phil’s flat to do some final editing for his next video. He and Phil had filmed themselves playing Sonic 4 a few weeks before, mostly because Dan had been too lazy to film a real video, and Dan had then proceeded to be too lazy to edit it. He needed to borrow Phil’s computer for this one because he couldn’t do a picture-in-picture video on his crappy PC.

At first, it seemed like a normal Friday afternoon, but eventually, Dan noticed that something still felt off. As they watched through the footage, Dan laughed as he saw just how abusive he’d been to Phil while they played the game. _Hi, I’m just gonna have a picnic on the floor while there’s a giant wall of drills heading towards my face_ , Dan said in the video, mocking Phil for failing to beat the Impending Doom level. Phil had laughed and shrugged off the insults while they were filming, but now he didn’t seem so amused. They were both very competitive; maybe Phil was just bitter about loosing.

“Everyone’s going to think that I’m being horrible to you, aren’t they?” Dan asked. He wondered if Phil was concerned that their competitive banter would undermine their fake couple image.

“They might,” Phil replied, “but I think most people will understand that it’s all in good fun. If anything, it makes us seem more… domestic.”

Phil showed Dan how to add the footage of the game to the footage of them playing it, and how to add in the images of the Pokémon he’d mentioned in the video. He also suggested that Dan speed up the part where Dan redid the first half of the level, up to the point where Phil had died repeatedly. Phil did laugh at how high-pitched the effect made Dan’s voice.

“You should keep it like that; it’s cute,” Phil said. Dan blushed in reply. That was the sort of comment that usually led to Phil suggesting that Dan stay for a while, even though they were nearly done with whatever legitimate task had brought Dan over in the first place.  If there wasn’t a party they wanted to go to on any given Friday night, usually they would order food and watch a movie. Watching a movie usually led to spooning on the couch, which led to leisurely snogging, which almost always led to Dan spending the night. But Phil didn’t ask this time, so Dan decided to take matters into his own hands.

“So, do you want to get a pizza or something?” Dan asked while they waited for the finished video to upload and render.

“I don’t think so, not tonight,” Phil replied flatly, returning to his previously aloof demeanor. He avoided eye contact with Dan by staring straight at the computer screen instead.

“Oh, okay. Do you have plans?”

“No,” said Phil. Dan decided to drop the conversation. It was obvious that Phil didn’t want Dan to stay. They sat in silence for another few minutes while Dan tried to come to terms with the idea of going back to campus and spending his Friday night bored and alone. When the video was nearly done processing, Dan decided to try one final strategy.

“You know, I don’t have any plans either,” he said. Dan bit his bottom lip and tried to look at flirtatious as possible.

Phil did turn to look at Dan this time, but he quickly turned back to the computer and said, “your video’s done.”

“Yeah? I guess I should probably go then. Thanks for your help,” Dan offered.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later,” Phil said nonchalantly.

Dan felt numb on the bus ride back to campus. It had gotten cloudy over the course of the afternoon, and it looked like rain was imminent. He tried not to think about curling up on the couch with Phil on a rainy evening, maybe with a mug of hot chocolate as well. He hated that he’d let himself come to expect that sort of thing from Phil when he had no right to. Dan always took whatever Phil was willing to give him, and still he always wanted more. This simple fact of the matter was that Dan needed Phil more than Phil needed Dan. That was how it always had been, and always would be.

There are a few people from his hall that were going out to a club, but Dan’s just wasn’t in the mood for that sort of thing. Instead, he ended up watching random YouTube videos, and then somehow found himself on a Wikipedia odyssey of unknown origin. A series of linked articles on enlightenment philosophers had led Dan to a few other articles about the origins of psychology.

Dan hated psychology. It sounded great in principle, and he figured that being a good lawyer would require understanding how people ticked, but psych had been his worst subject during his A levels. Maybe if he’d shown more aptitude for the subject, he would understand why Phil had acted so out of character recently.

Dan skimmed over an article on Pavlov and his classical conditioning. Behavioral psychology had seemed more interesting and applicable than most of the other subfields. Pavlov’s dogs that practically salivated on command made Dan think of Skinner’s operant conditioning, which used rewards and punishments to enforce behaviors rather than simple association. The basic idea was that you could enforce a behavior by giving something good or taking away something bad, and you could discourage a behavior by giving something bad or taking away something good. Sure, it was effective for teaching children to mind, but Dan also remembered his psychology tutor saying that adults often used these techniques to manipulate one another, sometimes without even realizing it.

He couldn’t help but wonder if that could be exactly what Phil was doing with him. Phil had sent him away, withheld affection and sex, which Dan certainly thought of as good things. Was Phil punishing him for something? If Dan was right, he needed to know. This was the sort of conversation that couldn’t wait until tomorrow and that needed to happen in person.

It was a twenty-minute walk to Phil’s, and it was pouring down rain, but he’d already made up his mind. He didn’t care that it was raining or that it was past 2 AM, he needed to know what the hell was going on. The busses weren’t running that late and he didn’t want to wait for a cab, so he would just have to walk. Somewhere deep down, Dan knew that what he was doing was stupid. And yet, there he was, doing it anyway.

There was a long pause after Dan pressed the buzzer to Phil’s flat. It was late enough that even if Phil had decided to go out, he should be back by now. Maybe he was asleep and didn’t hear the door. Phil was a heavy sleeper. Dan was about to give up and leave when Phil finally answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, its me,” Dan said, hoping that that explanation was sufficient.

“Oh, hey Dan. Did you leave something here or…?”

“No, no, I just… Can I come up?”

“Um, yeah, sure,” Phil said before buzzing Dan in.

The lift seemed to talk longer than usual, or maybe it was just because Dan was so anxious. He wanted Phil to open the door, give him a sexy smirk, and say how glad he was that Dan came back before pulling him into a passionate kiss. That was what Dan wanted, but it’s not what he expected, and it’s not what happened.

“What are you doing here?” Phil asked in a quiet voice. He was definitely more annoyed than pleasantly surprised.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up or whatever, I probably should have texted you first. “

“It’s okay,” Phil said, leading Dan over to the couch after backtracking to close the door to his bedroom. “I told you that you’re always welcome here. You’re soaking wet, did you walk here?”

“Um, yeah, I did,” Dan admitted.

“Why? What’s going on?” Phil asked. He offered Dan a dry sweatshirt to replace his soaked-through hoody.

“I just… needed to ask you about something,” said Dan.

“Okay, ask away,” Phil offered. He sat cross-legged on the couch, facing toward Dan.

“You’ve been acting strange lately and I want to know why,” said Dan. Phil didn’t say anything, so Dan continued, “you’re pushing me away. Did I do something wrong?”

“What? No, you haven’t done anything wrong,” Phil assured him.

“Then why did you send me away earlier? Because it sure felt like I’d done something wrong.”

“Because I care about you, probably too much,” Phil muttered, “because I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Well, that certainly wasn’t what Dan had expected. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Phil wasn’t angry with him; maybe he was feeling just as emotionally vulnerable as Dan always felt around him.

“I guess I just need to know… are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?” Dan asked, looking up at Phil with large, hopeful eyes.

Phil glanced behind him, toward the closed bedroom door. “Dan, what are you talking about?” he asked with a confused expression.

The realization hit Dan like a freight train. Phil’s strangely quiet voice, the way he’d closed his bedroom door, the “I don’t want to hurt you anymore”, it all summed up instantly when Phil had turned to look back at the door again. It was utterly heart crushing.

“You’ve got someone in there, don’t you?” Dan accused.

“What?”

“There’s someone in your room. In your bed,” Dan added.

Phil’s expression sobered quickly. He sat up straight and folded his arms across his chest. “So what if there is?”

Dan sat stunned for a moment. Phil wasn’t punishing him away because he’d suddenly developed feeling for him; he was replacing him. He was angry and upset, but as much as he wanted to scream at Phil, he also wanted to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible before he started to cry. He pushed himself up off of the sofa saying, “right, well, have fun with that.”

“Dan, wait,” Phil said.

“I got what I came for, thanks,” Dan said bitterly as he opened the door to leave. He couldn’t keep himself from slamming it shut, secretly hoping to wake up Phil’s new fuck buddy if at all possible.

Dan was so angry, but he knew that he had no right to be.  They’d never said that their arrangement was exclusive, and Dan had never begrudged Phil for having a life of his own, especially before Dan had moved up north. It would be different if Dan had been unavailable that night, but he’d practically thrown himself at Phil earlier that day. His “best friend” who he supposedly thought was “so hot” had practically begged him for sex, and Phil had turned him away for someone else.

So yeah, Dan was hurt. He’d been so unbelievably stupid. He didn’t know what would happen next, but there was one thing he was absolutely sure of. He never wanted to speak to Phil Lester ever again. 

Except that wasn’t really a viable option, especially after Dan realized that he was still wearing Phil’s favorite green University of York hoody. Well, fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to title this chapter You Know What They Say About Making Assumptions. Haha!
> 
> Sorry if this was a bit lackluster, this and the next chapter were originally one, but it got too long and I had to split them. I promise that what comes next is more exciting!


	5. Appendicitis Reconcilio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Most of this chapter take place in a hospital and mentions things like needles, surgery, and opioid analgesics. Also swearing, as usual

Phil’s green hoodie haunted the corner of Dan’s room like the unwanted, repulsive brussel sprout that he always ended up pushing around his plate at Christmas dinner. He’d thrown it on top of the stuffed animal that Phil had given him in an effort to forget them both. But of course, Dan had been too busy moping bother putting them away somewhere so that he wouldn’t have to seen them multiple times every day.

Dan didn’t hear from Phil for several days, and he had started to hope that it would stay that way and that they would both move on. But then, Phil started texting him. And calling him. And leaving voice mail messages. Dan ignored them all with passive aggressive fervor while trying to focus on his classwork in order to distract himself. He didn’t want to hear that Phil was sorry or that Dan shouldn’t have broken the rules and developed feelings for Phil. He knew that he’d screwed up, he just didn’t want to talk about it.

But not talking about it couldn’t keep Dan from thinking about it. His mind was constantly full of whys and what ifs. Phil’s erratic attitude toward their physical relationship just didn’t make much sense. He clearly enjoyed Dan’s company, and yet he’d put so much effort into pushing Dan away both recently and when they’d first met. Phil Lester was an enigma that Dan would probably never be able to piece together.

On the second or third day of ignoring Phil like it was his full time job, Dan came down with some sort of stomach bug. He went to the doctor’s, and was given an antibiotic. Nearly a week and probably twenty missed calls from Phil later, Dan still wasn’t feeling much better. He skipped several of his lectures for fear of vomiting on some poor stranger’s head. He was miserable, and spending more time in his room feeling miserable only gave him more time to stare at Phil’s hoodie in the corner and at the unread text message notifications on his phone.

After about five days of taking the seemingly useless antibiotics, Dan suddenly began to feel a sharp, stabbing pain in his abdomen. The doctor had said that if he didn’t get better in a few days, he needed to make another appointment or possibly go to the hospital. Since it was past eleven o’clock at night and Dan would rather rip out his own guts than wait in agony until morning, the hospital seemed like the only option. Dan groaned as he reached for his phone. It just so happened that Phil was calling him yet again. He thought about hitting ignore, but for some reason decided to answer.

“Dan, hi!” Phil shouted in surprise as soon as the call connected.

“Phil, if this is about your stupid hoodie, I promise I’ll give it back, I’m just a bit ill at the moment and I probably need to go to A&E,” Dan said.

 “What! What’s wrong?” asked Phil.

Dan sighed. He probably shouldn’t have mentioned the A&E bit, but damn it, he was in pain and he had every right to complain about it.

“Well, I got sick, and they gave me these pills, but they didn’t really work and now it feels like Wolverine is clawing me to death from the inside out.”

“You probably do need to go to A&E. Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“Don’t be stupid, I’ll just call a taxi,” Dan retorted. He expected some sympathy from Phil, but not actual help.

“Dan, you shouldn’t go by yourself…”

“Phil,” Dan started, drawing out the vowel dramatically.

“No! Dan Howell, you listen to me!” Phil interrupted, “You are not going by yourself and I am going to come get you. Now, where are you?”

“In my room,” Dan answered dejectedly. There was no use in arguing with Phil when he had already made up his mind. If he was being honest, Dan didn’t really want to go to the hospital alone, and he was going to have to talk to Phil eventually. Might as well multitask.

“Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes,” Phil assured him.

Dan curled into a ball and leaned against the door of the taxi on their way to the hospital. Phil gave him empathetic looks and mercifully didn’t mention the fact that they hadn’t spoken in over a week.

The Manchester Royal Infirmary might sound like a place that provides top-quality healthcare in relaxing, welcoming environment, but its true nature is more adequately conveyed by knowledge of its location in the heart of the city center. The waiting area was filled with what appeared to be gang members and/or drug addicts, so Dan and Phil attempted to hide in a quite corner while Dan filled out the paperwork he’d been given by the grouchy lady at check-in.

The form asked for an emergency contact, and Dan begrudgingly filled in Phil’s name and mobile number. He could have easily put his mum’s name down, but what could she do in the event of an actual emergency from so far away?

The question reminded Dan of the episode of Friends where Rachel hurt her ankle and chose Monica as her emergency contact. That acknowledgment had marked an important milestone in their friendship. Dan wondered what it meant about him and Phil that even though they’d had a falling out, Phil was still his best option for an emergency contact. Or maybe that circumstance was more telling of Dan’s lack of close friends then anything else.

“How are you feeling?” Phil asked, breaking the silence after Dan had finished with his paperwork.

Dan, who was leaning forward in his chair with his arms clutched around his stomach, lifted his head briefly and replied, “like death.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil said. He hesitantly placed a hand onto Dan’s back. Dan flinched at the contact, and Phil retracted the gesture immediately. “For the record, I wasn’t calling about my hoodie earlier. I was just worried about you. With good reason, I guess.”

Neither of them said anything for a while after that, preferring to observe the antics of their fellow waiting room inhabitants. Eventually, Phil broke the silence again. “Do you think it’s your appendix?” he asked.

“Maybe. I don’t know. Do I look like a doctor to you?” Dan snapped. “Sorry,” he added a few moments later.

“It’s okay, Dan,” Phil said.

“I wasn’t planning on ruining your Youtube plan, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Dan decided to mention. Certainly if they could fake being in love, they could also fake being friends for the benefit of their audience. Plenty of other Youtubers did it.

“No, Dan, I was worried about _you_ ,” Phil emphasized.

A nurse finally called Dan back to be examined. After listening to the graphic details of his week of nausea and the crippling pain that had appeared out of nowhere a few hours before, she placed an IV in his hand. Dan decided that it looked like a water gun. He was then told to wait for the doctor to come around.

Dan waited. And waited. And then waited some more. He overheard the guy on the other side of the curtain divider tell the nurse about how he’d been stabbed outside of a pub in a dispute over “some ho,” as he put it. A&E was a bit scary, sure, but at least it was mildly entertaining.

Eventually, a middle-aged woman with a pleasant, yet tired-looking face appeared. Her nametag read Dr. Cartwright. She asked Dan most of the same questions that the nurse had asked earlier and then pressed on his abdomen in several places, one of which hurt like a motherfucker.

“Well Dan, I think you definitely have appendicitis. We’ll do an ultrasound to confirm, and we’ll need to remove your appendix. I’ll have you admitted overnight and schedule you for surgery in the morning.” The doctor said matter-of-factly. “It’s a simple, routine procedure. Try to get some rest. You should be feeling much better by this time tomorrow.”

He did try to get some rest, but that plan was rendered virtually impossible by the guy he been forced to share a room with. For some reason, he felt the need to say ‘ow’ out loud what seemed like every two seconds.

Dan sent a text to Phil telling him what the doctor had said and that Phil should go home. But about ten minutes later, Phil walked through the door into Dan’s room.

“Phil?” Dan asked. He had been given quite a bit of morphine, and he couldn’t be one hundred percent sure that he wasn’t hallucinating.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Um, they gave me drugs, so a little better,” Dan answered. “Phil, I don’t think you’re supposed to be up here.”

“No, probably not. I just wanted to check and see if you needed anything?”

“No, I’m okay. You should go home, I’m sure you’re tired.”

“Have you had a chance to call your parents?”

“What?” The suggestion seemed ridiculous. It was the middle of the night. In no universe was Dan about to wake his parents up with a 2 AM phone call just to have a quick chat.

“Don’t you think they’d want to know that you’re in hospital?”

“Phil, I haven’t spoken to them in over a month. Besides, what good would it do to freak them out when there’s nothing they can do anyway?”

“I think you should at least let them know what’s happened,” Phil suggested.

“Oh my god, would you please just fuck off!” Dan shouted, “my crap-tastic relationship with them might be because of you, but that doesn’t make it any of your business.”

“Dan…” Phil started. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not my place. I was only trying to be helpful. “

“I thought I told you to fuck off,” Dan said in reply. He rolled onto this side to face away from Phil, despite the fact that doing so was extremely painful. Dan knew that he was being childish. Phil really was only trying to help.

Eventually, a nurse came to tell Phil that it was well past visiting hours and that he needed to leave. Dan did manage to fall asleep at some point, but it wasn’t long before he was woken up and told that he was being taken to surgery.

It felt like only an instant had passed between the anesthesia being injected via the water gun in his hand and the moment when Dan began to wake up. Everything was a bit fuzzy, and the light seemed offensively bright even with his eyes closed. He might have imagined it, but Dan also thought that he felt a hand gently brushing his hair back out of his face.

“Good morning,” he heard Phil say the first time that Dan flicked his eyes open for a moment. Dan groaned in response, and Phil giggled. Dan didn’t understand why Phil was here. Dan had been such a downright ungratefully twat the night before, and he didn’t even remember telling Phil when his surgery had been scheduled for.

“What are you doing here?” Dan muttered.

“Someone’s got to look after you, Howell. I mean, who knows what they do with unattended teenagers around this place?” Dan was still too drowsy to try to understand whatever sort of joke that was supposed to be. “Are you feeling any better?” Phil asked a few moments later.

“Um, I guess?” The terrible stabbing pain was gone, but there was a remaining aching sensation and a sort of soreness. Dan touched his stomach experimentally, and winched when he pressed against one of his four tiny incisions.

“Well don’t touch it, silly,” Phil scolded playfully. Dan pouted in reply. Somehow, it seemed that his sourness from the night before had been forgotten. Despite all of the awkwardness, Dan was actually very gratefully that Phil had insisted on not leaving him to handle this alone.

Dan was eventually moved out of the recovery area and back to a regular room, but only for a few hours. Blessedly, the annoying man from the night before was nowhere to be found. A man stopped by with more paperwork that needed filling out so that Dan could be discharged. He explained the medications that Dan was being sent home with as well as how to care for his incisions to prevent infection. The man insisted that someone help Dan get home and look after him for a bit. Phil, of course, volunteered for the task.

The taxi ‘home’ took them to Phil’s flat rather than Dan’s university hall, and Dan still had a bit too much morphine in his system to really care. The sun was just beginning to set, and the street was buzzing with the excitement of a Friday night. Phil took hold of Dan’s hand as they entered the building, as if Dan were a child that needed help crossing the street. But then the lift made Dan rather dizzy, and he realized that he might have fallen over without Phil holding onto him.

The whole ordeal had served to show Dan how much he could rely on Phil for more than just sexual favors and Youtube advice. Best friends were valuable commodities, after all.

After several hours of laying on Phil’s couch and refusing to eat anything because the smell of whatever Phil made for dinner made him nauseous, Dan decided to test the conversational waters.

“I’m sorry for being such a twat last night,” Dan offered midway through their second MasterChef rerun.

“That’s okay Dan, you weren’t feeling well,” Phil replied from the nearby beanbag.

“And for what happened the last time I was here,” Dan added. He really had overreacted, and he’d never given Phil a chance to even explain himself.

“Ah, I was wondering when we were going to get to that,” said Phil. “There wasn’t anyone else here, by the way. I mean, obviously I can’t prove that to you now, but it’s the truth.”

Dan didn’t know what to say to that. Not only did it prove nothing, but it brought forward more questions than it answered.

“You were right, though. I was trying to push you away,” Phil admitted. Dan’s eyes widened, and he started to interject, but Phil pushed on. “Just listen, okay? I know that you have feelings for me, and it’s not that I mind or anything, I just didn’t want you to get hurt over it. I thought that if I distanced myself from you, that you might… gain some perspective, I guess? I wanted to give you the opportunity to end whatever this is, if you wanted to.”

“I was perfectly happy with the way things were, happier than I’d ever been, really. You trying to end it was what hurt me, Phil.”

“I know; I’m sorry,” Phil said. Dan wanted to be angry. He truly felt that he should be. But he wasn’t, mostly because Phil’s eyes looked so goddamn sincere.

“So, you still want us to be friends?” Dan asked. Was it possible that this had all been one giant clusterfuck of a misunderstanding?

“Of course,” Phil answered, “if you can forgive me?”

Was it really that easy? Could Phil simply worm his way back into Dan’s life with an apology and a pair of puppy-dog eyes? Dan concluded that yes, he certainly could. Dan sighed for dramatic effect before replying, “I suppose. But only on the condition that you make me a hot chocolate immediately.”

“I think that can be arranged,” Phil said with a coy smile. “But make sure you finish your water, too. You need to stay hydrated.”

“Alright, _mum_ ,” Dan teased. Phil rolled his eyes in reply before making his way over to the kitchen.

Dan started to dose off a few hours later, and Phil nonchalantly placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder and asked, “time for bed?” Dan nodded, and climbed into Phil’s bed soon thereafter without any further discussion.

It was strange, and yet it wasn’t strange at all. It seemed more odd to think that Dan had almost lost this.

He had known Phil for over a year, and that time had certainly been an emotional roller coaster. Dan knew that the future was likely to be just as tumultuous as the past, but then again, he’d always loved roller coasters.

The heartache that Phil had caused him simply failed to compare to the numerous good things he’d brought to Dan’s life. The inexplicably deep connection he’d always felt with Phil felt like a gravitational pull. It grounded him and supported him when he needed. The more he thought about it, the more Dan realized that he didn’t need a relationship with Phil. He already had nearly everything he could want from a relationship, just minus the name. Phil was his best friend, and he obviously cared about Dan a great deal. Phil just didn’t like labels.

From his current perspective, Dan couldn’t be bothered to quibble over words. Phil was his best friend. With benefits. Which now included being his go-to emergency contact. And that wasn’t nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! With kind of a weird chapter, I know. I just really like writing about medical stuff, I guess? I promise that the next chapter will be more exciting, and will be uploaded in a timely manner (for once)! 
> 
> You can expect updates about every week until this fic is finished (I say about because I will be out of town for a few days soon, so that may throw me off). Yay for summer!


	6. Shattered Illusions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: smut, swearing 
> 
> BIG WARNING: this chapter mentions The Video That Shall Not Be Named more explicitly than I have previously (with re-imagined context, of course). If that bothers you, I suggest you not read this. Reminder that this is fiction, and I cast no aspirations on the actual humans that this is based on.

“Fucking hell,” Dan grumbled after realizing he’d been staring off into space for at least the last five minutes. He was supposed to be revising. In order to continue with his uni course, Dan had to pass a re-sit of one of his finals from the spring semester. And, naturally, he had procrastinated like the lazy arse that he was and left all of his revising until the last two weeks before the exam.

Law was so boring and irrelevant to his life, and Dan just could not find the motivation to revise. To make matters worse, he life was now filled with distractions and temptations curtsey of living with Phil. Dan didn’t want to live in the university halls for a second year, and Phil was already considering getting a flatmate to help with rent. Dan suggested that they move in together. It just made sense. Over the past year, Dan had practically lived in Phil’s flat on the weekends anyway.

Their new apartment had two bedrooms, of course, which was partly for the benefit of the internet. Dan spent more nights with Phil then he did alone since moving in, but he did enjoy having his own space. It was particularly useful when he needed to get something done, such as his revising, which he continued to ignore for the time being.

Dan could hear the TV from the other room. He wasn’t accomplishing anything as if was, so he decided to join Phil in the lounge. Phil’s long legs were stretched out across the couch. Dan momentarily considered spreading them apart and lying down between them, but he decided that it maybe wasn’t the best idea to distract Phil while he was watching Buffy. Instead, Dan opted to sit on the floor near Phil’s feet and lean back against the sofa.

“Done revising for the night?” Phil asked.

“Something like that,” Dan responded vaguely.

“I’m sorry, Dan, I know it’s hard,” said Phil, “but I also know that you can get through it.” Since when had his life become something he had to ‘get through,’ Dan wondered? It just didn’t seem right.

“I know. But I don’t understand what the point of it all is.” Dan said a few moments later. That was something else he’d been spending a bit too much contemplating as of late.

“The point of what? This exam?”

“No, everything,” explained Dan, “me going to uni, my entire life, all of human existence…”

“Dan, what are you on about?” Phil sat up and paused the DVD, undoubtedly more for Dan’s benefit than his own. Phil could probably recite all of the lines from memory at this point, and yet he still watched the show over and over.

“How many times have you watched this episode?” Dan asked.

“I don’t know, at least a dozen, probably?”

“And you still enjoy it?”

“Of course, why else would I keep watching it?” Phil asked.

“Exactly!” Dan exclaimed. “That is exactly my point!”

“I’m still not sure I follow. Are you trying to say that you don’t enjoy your uni courses?” Dan clutched his knees to his chest and nodded.

“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” Dan admitted softly.

“I’m not sure that anyone really does. I certainly don’t,” Phil offered.

“But you’re doing something that you love, and I’m stuck studying law, which I hate, just because I don’t have any better options.”

“You don’t have to do a law degree. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Dan,” Phil said in a serious tone.

“I have to do _something_ ,” Dan muttered.

“I suppose,” Phil answered. “But you don’t have to have it all figured out right this minute.”

“No, you’re right.” Going to uni wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Actually, Dan was damn lucky to have the life he had. But why was he so unhappy nonetheless? It was enough to make his head hurt. “Maybe I just need a distraction,” Dan thought aloud. He let go of his knees and turned toward Phil. “You know, when I first walked out here, I was thinking about crawling between your legs and sucking you off,” he confessed, running his fingertips along Phil’s thigh.

“That would have been one hell of a hello,” Phil said with a small laugh. Dan pushed himself up and turned to kneel between Phil’s legs. He trailed both of his hands slowly up to Phil’s hips. “Dan…” Phil breathed, sounding a bit unsure.

“Phil, I’m done talking about it. And I would very much like to blow you right now.”

“Yeah, okay,” Phil said, clearly affected by Dan’s candor as well as his roaming hands. Dan had sort of expected him to object to the rapid change of subject and to question Dan’s mental status, but instead he was pleasantly surprised. It was always a confidence boost realizing how easily he could turn Phil on.

Dan palmed at Phil’s half-hard cock through his black jeans before unfastening his belt and opening his fly. There was a sharp intake of breath from Phil as Dan freed him from his boxers and finally took him into his mouth. Dan pulled on Phil’s hips, encouraging him to slide a bit closer. He concentrated on the tip of Phil’s cock at first, swirling his tongue around it and gently sucking. He was teasing Phil, who squirmed eagerly in response.

Eventually, one of Phil’s hands ended up in Dan’s hair. Dan chose to reward the action by slowly licking Phil from base to tip. After a bit more teasing, he suddenly took as much of Phil into his mouth as he could. Dan bobbed his head and sucked in earnest. He used his fist to grip the base of Phil’s cock that his mouth could not seem to reach. Phil moaned blissfully, and Dan looked up to see his head thrown back against the couch. The hand in his hair began to pull gently, which Dan found to be extremely erotic. He moaned around Phil’s dick, knowing that it would drive him crazy.

“Oh, god,” Phil moaned.

Dan began to palm himself with his free hand when his sensed that Phil was getting close. He pulled back and teased Phil’s tip with his tongue once more while making use of Phil’s precome and his own saliva to pump Phil with his fist. Dan abruptly thrust his mouth downward, taking in as much of Phil as he could possible manage and sucking like he was being paid to do it.

“Dan, oh _god_ , Dan,” Phil muttered as he came into the back of Dan’s throat.

Dan swallowed even though he disliked the taste. It was just polite, he felt, and he didn’t particularly fancy the idea of having to clean come out of their carpet later on. Dan sunk back onto his heel for a moment to catch his breath, after which Phil reached forward to pull Dan closer to him again. He kissed him hard, and continued to pull at Dan until the younger man took the hint and climbed on to his lap.

“I love tasting myself on your lips,” Phil confessed after breaking the kiss. It was nothing that Dan hadn’t figured out long ago, but hearing the words out loud was kinky as fuck. Dan, still wound tight and craving release, grinded his hips against Phil and kissed him again, pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth.

“Phil,” he breathed into the crook of Phil’s neck, begging for some kind of reciprocation.

“You’re so good to me,” Phil stated in reply. Finally, he offered Dan the additional friction of his hand. “Why don’t we continue this elsewhere?” he asked. Dan stepped off of the couch almost immediately, knowing that ‘elsewhere’ was code for Phil’s bed. And so the paused episode of Phil favorite TV show was unceremoniously abandoned for the time being.

 

“I’ve decided that I’m not going,” Dan declared out of nowhere a few days later. He and Phil had ordered a pizza and were watching a film that they had probably seen five times.

“Not going where?” Phil asked.

“To my resit,” Dan explained.

Phil put down his slice of pizza. “Okay. So you’re dropping out, then?”

“I guess so,” Dan said while shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t want to do law anymore, and like you said, no one can _make_ me do it.”

The thought of going back and sitting in those lecture halls day after day listening to some old man drone on and on about something he couldn’t even pretend to care about anymore was incredibly repulsive. And the thought of spending the rest of his life stuck in a dreary office was equally sickening. So Dan decided that life was too short to waste time on something so unfulfilling.

“You still seem a bit upset about it. Are you sure you don’t want to at least take the exam in case you change your mind later?” Now Phil was starting to sound like Dan’s mother. Dan wasn’t angry with Phil specifically, but he knew that he was going to have to put up with countless well meaning, but condescending statements like that from now on. It was just frustrating.

“No, Phil! I’m not going to change my mind. You know why? Because I literally do not give a flying fuck anymore!”

“Okay,” agreed Phil, surprisingly nonchalantly. He returned his attention to his pizza, and Dan didn’t know what to make of that.

“Okay? That’s it?” Dan asked. Phil nodded while chewing. “My parents are probably going to want me to try and change to a different course, but I don’t think that would be worth it, either. I did think about doing something more video related, but I mean, what are they going to teach me that you haven’t already?”

“Lots of things, Dan. And if you want to learn them, you should. But you don’t need a uni degree to be a Youtuber, you’re right about that.”

“I’m not going back,” Dan stated, “I can’t.”

Probably sensing the emotion behind Dan’s words, Phil then said, “You need chocolate. Wanna go to ShakeAway?”

Dan considered the proposition for a moment, and then nodded eagerly. “I don’t usually get anything with chocolate, but sure.”

“I know, I know, butterscotch and white maltesers,” Phil conceded.

“Liquid diabetes, yes. You’re a genius, Phil, that’s exactly what I need right now.”

On the way to the milkshake shop, Phil continued to distract Dan by arguing the pros of his own preferred oreo and daim concoction.

“It’s kind of liberating, you know?” Dan declared once they’d picked up their milkshakes and were on their way back home. “Like, there are so many other things I can do now.”

“Yeah. What are you planning?”

“More videos, better videos…” Dan trailed off. “I don’t know, I’ll see what else comes up.”

“Hey, that reminds me,” Phil remembered, “I got an email from the Playlist Live people, you know, the new convention they did in Florida this year? They wanted me to come to the next one in the spring, and they said something about doing something on stage.”

“Oh, really? That’s cool.”

“But I told them no,” continued Phil. “I told them that I wouldn’t do it alone, because we’re a package deal. And it’s in the middle of the spring semester, so I didn’t think you would be able to go.”

“I can now. We should do it,” Dan said. “Unless that was just the excuse you came up with because you have stage fright?”

“Well, that might be part of it,” Phil admitted with a guilty laugh, “but I’ll do it if you come too. We're a team, after all.”

“Yeah, we’re a team…” Suddenly, Dan’s eyes widened with a new idea. “You know what else we should do, Phil?”

“What?”

“We should start a collab channel. They’d love that!” It was strange how often Dan now thought about their fans and what they would want when considering a new idea. Phil had managed to engrain that deeply into his mind.

Phil smiled at him enthusiastically. “We totally should! That’s amazing!”

“Super amazing,” Dan replied.

“The Super Amazing Phil and Dan Show?” Phil proposed.

“No, too cheesy,” said Dan.

“Yeah. We’ll come up with something better. It’s a fantastic idea, though. You’ve always been my lucky charm, Dan.” And just like that, the pieces of Dan’s future began to fall back into place.

 

It was about a month later when it happened. Dan woke up midmorning in his own bed after having stayed up way too late the night before. As soon as he checked his phone he knew that something was wrong.

Twitter was buzzing. The shear number of mentions and at replies was enough to make his head spin.

_MY OTP IS CANON I CAN’T BREATHE_

_phan iS REAL!!!_

No, no, no, Dan thought. This couldn’t be happening. His heart began to race along with his mind. They’d always been so careful in public. There was simply no way that anyone had actual proof of their physical relationship. Unless someone had stalked them and used a telescope to peek into their apartment or something. Still, this seemed like more than just a rumor that some random fan had started. It was enough to make Dan panic.

“PHIIIIIL!” he shouted. There was no answer.

A string of slightly more coherent tweets led him to a tumblr post that mentioned a video uploaded to LessAmazingPhil.

_Is this their way of coming out?_

That almost made it seem like something they had done of purpose. There was a link to the so-called ‘proof’ video, but it had already been taken down. Phil was already trying to put a stop to this. Good.

But there were bound to be re-uploads. Dan grabbed his laptop and began to search. Sure enough, he found a working link not far into the amazingphil tumblr tag. He clicked play.

_Hi Dan. Happy Valentine’s Day…_

The video was of Phil in his old bedroom at his parent’s house. Dan could tell immediately that it was old because of the camera quality. He watched in absolute shock as Phil talked about being in love with Dan and supposedly recounted memories of their time together. But all of the events mentioned were things that they had reimagined for the benefit of the fans. They were all part of Phil’s elaborate rouse that had somehow actually succeeded in exponentially increasing their popularity over the last two years.

_So, this is me saying, ‘I love you’…_

Those were the words that kept crawling through Dan’s mind like beautiful, venomous snake. They were a fantasy twisted into a nightmare that the whole of their fanbase would probably never let die. It was absolutely awful, and he couldn’t figure out why it even existed.

“Phil!” Dan shouted again. He ventured into the hallway, laptop abandoned on his bed. The door to Phil’s bedroom was still shut. He usually left it open during the day. “Phil, are you in there?” Dan asked after knocking twice. He tried the handle and found that the door was locked. Phil never locked his bedroom door. Why would he need to?

Dan decided to send a text to Phil.

_What the hell is going on?_

He could hear Phil’s phone chime through the door. So he was trying to hide.

“For fuck’s sake, Phil, I know you’re in there. Will you please tell me why this is happening?” Dan asked in a demanding tone.

Without warning, the lock clicked and the door opened slightly.

“Youtube glitched or something and un-privated a bunch of people’s private videos,” Phil explained. Dan remembered someone mentioning on twitter that this wasn’t the only video that had been mysteriously revealed that night.

“But what the hell is it?” Dan asked. “ Why did you make it? And why are you hiding from me?”

“It was…” Phil began, choosing his words carefully, “something that I made a long time ago and then decided not to use.”

“Like a prank?” Dan asked. That would make sense. The video was just another one of Phil’s tactics to bait their audience. Except it was a bit too much, and Phil had recognized that before it was too late.

“I’m sorry, Dan. No one was ever supposed to see it.” Phil said, ignoring the prank suggestion.

“Okay, but if it was supposed to be a prank, why didn’t I know about it?”

“Dan, can we please not do this? I’m doing my best to have it taken down. If we lay low for a bit and be patient, I’m sure that it will all go away.”

“You do realize that you’ll have to keep this up _forever_ , right? They’ll never let this go. It will keep popping back up, and you’ll have to keep filing copyright challenges _forever_.”

Phil nodded somberly. His elaborate scheme to tease the fans, but never give them proof had failed dramatically, and it was his own damn fault.

“I think we need to say something. We need to get out in front of this.”

“No!” Phil snapped. “Please just let me handle this.”

“Oh, I see. You’re going to tell me all about how this is somehow worse for you, because you were the one that lost control of it. Do you think that this is easy for me? Do you think that any of this has been easy for me?” Dan asked. “Come on then, let’s compare scars. I’ll tell you whose is worse.”

Phil looked like he might break into tears any second. When faced with conflict, Dan got angry, and this time was not exception. But he never would have expected Phil to get so upset. He’s always been the emotionally unstable one, not Phil.

“Please go away,” Phil asked before closing the door in Dan’s face and turning the lock. Dan was dumbfounded. Maybe Phil had been right to try and push Dan away almost a year ago. Who knew how many other bombshell secrets Phil was hiding from him.

Even so, Dan had no way out. He was in too deep; the tendrils of their lives were too intertwined. He would eventually find some way to forgive Phil, just like he always had, because staying was far easier than ripping apart his whole life just to get away. This was especially true now that he couldn’t afford to jeopardize his Youtube income. He could be a broke college drop-out with no friends, or he could stay with Phil and keep their Youtube alliance alive. The second sounded like a much better option.

Still, Dan wasn’t sure that he would be able to trust Phil in the same way.

The sun had reached its peak and begun to set again and all Dan had accomplished was a draft of a very angry tumblr post explaining that the leaked video was a prank and pleading for everyone to stop spreading it around. What an absolute nightmare.

Dan picked up his phone and sent one more bitter text to Phil, just for the hell of it.

_Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry (?)


	7. Vegas Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for alcohol and swearing

2012 was easily the strangest year of Dan’s life. He and Phil had both made attempts to back peddle out of their long-standing rouse without ever actually agreeing to do so. Despite Dan’s best efforts to burry any hint of a relationship between himself and Phil, somehow the groundwork they’d laid in the preceding years was so solid that the shippers still believed. He adamantly reminded his fanbase that he liked girls every chance he got. He told himself that it wasn’t wrong because it wasn’t a lie, just a convenient omission of the other half of his sexuality. But it still bothered him on some level, like he was denying everything that Phil meant to him.

Phil was still his best friend, but Dan just didn’t trust him the way that he once had. They lived and worked together, but they were no longer lovers. Dan had insisted upon that. Phil seemed to understand. At least, he never complained about the change.

Professionally, nothing had changed. They’d gone ahead with their collab channel idea, and had even talked about doing another season of The Super Amazing Project at the end of the summer. It was not uncommon for them to help each other film and even edit videos for their main channels. Propositions like ‘I’ll take out the garbage if you help me choose a thumbnail’ were commonplace.

Perhaps strangest of all were the changing trends in their subscriber counts. Somewhere along the way, Dan had begun gaining subscribers at a significantly faster rate than Phil. He saw it coming, but the day he officially surpassed Phil was stunning. Phil, however, seemed unmoved by the occurrence. In fact, he congratulated Dan as though he were pleased. It made Dan wonder if Phil hadn't somehow known that it would happen all along. There were undoubtedly just as many new subscribers finding Phil from Dan’s channel as the reverse.

While contemplating that very thought one April afternoon, Dan was startled when Phil came through his open bedroom door and asked, “do you want to go to Vegas before or after Vidcon?”

“What?” Dan responded. They’d joked at Playlist Live that they should go to Las Vegas for Dan’s 21st birthday to celebrate the fact that Phil would no longer have to covertly buy Dan drinks whenever they were in America. At least, Dan had assumed that Phil was only joking.

“Vidcon is only a few weeks after your birthday. I thought it would make since to go then when we’ll already be so close. If we go before, it would be closer to your birthday. But then again, we might need a break after a crazy convention. And we probably shouldn’t show up to a crazy convention already hung over…”

“I didn’t realize that we were actually going,” confessed Dan.

“I thought you wanted to?”

“No, yeah I do,” Dan admitted. “If you want to, I mean. Whenever is fine, you pick.”

It was as simple as that. Phil booked their tickets and would hear nothing of Dan paying him back for his. It was a birthday gift, Phil insisted. As was their reservation at Caesar’s Palace, apparently. Phil’s extravagant kindness had always baffled Dan, and this was no different.

Dan left the planning to Phil and focused on his usual distractions. The trip snuck up on him, and before he knew it, he found himself next to Phil on a transatlantic flight.

Las Vegas was an elaborate mind trick that employed loud, chaotic sounds and bright light at all hours of the day and night in order to coerce people into spending as much money as possible. After a few attempts at roulette and many more tries at the broad range of themed slot machines, Dan and Phil decided that gambling wasn’t really their forte. There were always interesting people to watch, though. But Dan decided that the best part of Vegas was the food. On their second morning, Phil had insisted that they go for pancakes at a restaurant that was famous for its ridiculously large portion sizes. It was a rather long walk down the strip, but the food did not disappoint.

Dan brought their tiny red camera everywhere they went and recorded clips of their adventures. They’d been trying to do more daily vlogs, as it was what all of the proper youtubers seemed to be doing those days. The fans seemed to really enjoy those sorts of videos, and Dan couldn’t help but feel that he owed it to them somehow.

After a few days of exploring the Vegas strip, they took a day trip to see the Grand Canyon. There was hardly a cloud in the sky that day, and the sun burned brighter and hotter than it ever did in England. The air was cooler once they reached the canyon, but Dan hardly noticed the change in the temperature or elevation. The beauty before him was all consuming. The canyon was so deep and vast that it almost seemed like a trick of the eye. The magnitude of the site and the shifting color pallet of the shadows made Dan think of the enormity of the universe. What should have been an inspirational once in a lifetime event nearly sent Dan into an existential spiral.

What did his life amount to in comparison to the thousands, or maybe millions of years that the Colorado River had spend carving away at those rocks? What did it matter if Phil was his best friend or his lover or the worst thing that ever happened to him? The universe didn’t care.

That evening, they stood leaning against the railing across from the Bellagio fountains watching the water show just after then sun had set.

“Sometimes I think it would be nice to live in a place like this,” Phil admitted out of the blue. “You know, to settle down where palm trees grow?”

“They don’t actually grow here, though,” Dan retorted for no real reason.

“What?”

“Palm trees aren’t native to this area,” Dan explained. He couldn’t remember where he’d picked up that bit of information, probably on tumblr he reasoned. “People brought them here, and they can survive here, but they don’t really belong.” They’re a fraudulent masquerade, just like our online lives, Dan thought about saying, but refrained.

“Mmm,” Phil hummed in acknowledgment. “Maybe Florida, then?” he added, missing the point entirely. He could obviously tell that Dan was feeling down, and was probably just trying to provide a distraction, but Dan wasn’t in the mood for fantasies.

They watched the show and the crowd milling about for a bit longer. It was their last night in Vegas; they were leaving for LA the next afternoon.

“You don’t have anything planned for tomorrow morning, right?” Dan asked a few minutes later.

“No, we can do whatever you’d like,” offered Phil. “We could go out for breakfast again, or we could sleep in and order room service.

Dan thought for a moment. All he really felt like doing was getting horrendously drunk. He hadn’t done that in ages, and when was he going to have as good an excuse as his 21st birthday?

“What I really want to do is go buy some alcohol, go back to the hotel, and get smashed.”

Phil squinted his eyes at Dan as if he was trying to gauge whether or not he was being serious. “Okay,” he said, “we can do that.”

They asked around and found out that the Walgreens down the street sold full-sized bottles of alcohol. It was a bit of a walk, but it was significantly cheaper than getting something from room service. Dan purchased a bottle of orange and coconut flavored rum, a slight twist on one of his old favorites. Phil seemed skeptical of his choice, but didn’t object. They walked back to their hotel in silence.

Once back inside their room, Dan ignored the two beds and several chairs in the room and instead opted to sit on the floor near the window, looking out over the Vegas lights.

“So why exactly are we drinking alone in our hotel room in a city full of bars and clubs?” Phil asked. He was sat on the edge of his bed, looking down at Dan.

Dan sighed. He knew it was stupid, but damn it, he just didn’t feel like being social. “Remember when we first met, and we went to that Halloween gathering in London?” he asked, trying to explain. Phil nodded yes. “Remember how we ended up sitting by ourselves because even though all of those other people were there, we just wanted to spend time together?” Phil nodded again. He seemed to understand. “Doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun, though.”

“What do you have in mind?” asked Phil.

“Truth or dare,” said Dan. “And if you don’t want to answer the question or do the dare, you take a shot.” Because Dan wanted to get drunk, but he also wanted to find out what else Phil might still be keeping from him. There was still an awkwardness between them, and Dan wanted it resolved.

“Okay,” Phil said with a small laugh. Dan knew that Phil was only trying to humor him, but he was going to make sure they had some fun nonetheless. He opened the bottle and took a sip. The concoction had the familiar taste of rum and coconut, but the added orange flavor was the most pronounced.

“Want a taste? It’s not bad.” He offered the bottle to Phil, who had joined him on the floor.

“I thought we were playing truth or dare,” Phil retorted.

“Fine. Truth or dare?” Dan asked.

“Truth,” Phil answered. He was so predictable sometimes.

“Why have you started acting so innocent in your videos?”

“Because 12-year-olds watch them,” Phil answered immediately. Dan wondered if it didn’t have more to do with contrasting himself from Dan. His channel was definitely rated R for language if nothing else.

“They always have. What’s changed?” Dan has long suspected that if he and Phil ever had a real falling out, that their audience would take Phil’s side over his because of his more like-able persona.

“I believe that in truth or dare you only get one question per truth, Dan,” Phil challenged. “So, truth or dare?”

Dan chose truth.

“What upset you today?” Phil asked.

“The Grand Canyon,” Dan said smugly.

“That’s not a real answer.”

“That’s the truth! But fine, I’ll drink anyway.” He put the bottle to his lips and drank a bit more than was strictly necessary. They moved on, and Phil again picked truth.

“Does it bother you that my channel has become so successful?”

“It’s you that’s successful, Dan, not just your channel.”

“That’s not a real answer,” mocked Dan. “So now you get to take a shot.”

Phil rolled his eyes, reached for the bottle, and tipped it back. “Oh, god that’s awful!” he said while making a sour face. Dan laughed. “But to be honest, it really doesn’t bother me. You’ve put a lot of work into your channel, and I really am proud of you. Why would I have helped you if I didn’t want you to be successful?” Phil pointed out. It was Dan’s turn again, and he decided to switch things up and take a dare.

“I dare you to lick the bar of hand soap,” Phil announced. Dan made a face, but went to retrieve the soap from the bathroom anyway.

It was disgusting, but it was fairly tame as far as typical dares went. Phil surprisingly chose dare a well, and Dan simply handed him the bar of soap.

“Nope,” Phil said while shaking his head. “Your gross liquor isn’t nearly as bad as that.”

Dan laughed and asked for another dare.

“Do something that scared you, but something that you also really want to do.”

Immediately, all Dan could think of was kissing Phil. He hadn’t done that in so long, but clearly he still wanted to. He could feel his cheeks turning red, so he buried his face in his knees and reached for the bottle

“You’re wimping out on that?” Phil asked. “It was so vague; you could have done anything!”

“Shut up,” Dan said after taking his shot. His feelings for Phil were still there, and they were still a major weakness. Dan was already more than a little drunk, and Phil was getting unpredictable. It was time to put an end to the charade. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” said Phil.

This was it, the question he had been building up to the whole time. “What’s the biggest secret that you’re still keeping from me?”

Phil’s eyes widened and he swallowed hard. He reached out for the bottle, but Dan snatched it away. “I’ll make you a deal. If you answer, the game ends here.”

Phil retracted his arm and considered the offer.

“I know that look, you thought of something straight away. Just tell me,” Dan begged.

Phil looked back at him with worried eyes. He took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. “It wasn’t a prank,” he muttered.

“What?” Dan breathed, even though he knew exactly what Phil was talking about. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that.

“No one was ever meant to see that video except you,” Phil explained. But Dan still didn’t understand. If it had been meant for him, then why had he only seen it once the entire internet already had?

Dan stood up, walked a few paces away, and then turned back to Phil. “Why would you make something like that for me? To taunt me?” Even then, it felt like a slap in the face, like Phil mocking him for his childish, forbidden crush.

“No! No, no, no,” Phil said, also rising to his feet. “I _never_ wanted to hurt you.”

“Then why make it at all?” Dan was starting to get angry.

“Because I was in love with you!” Phil blurted out. “And I couldn’t tell you, but I wanted to, and I thought that maybe one day… But then things got out of control and I fucked it all up and…”

“STOP IT!” Dan screamed. Filed with rage, he grabbed the nearest object to him, something small that was sat on top of the dresser, and threw it forcefully across the room. “Stop _lying_ to me!”

The red vlogging camera hit the edge of the nightstand between the two beds with a sharp cracking sound, then landed on the floor with a muted thump.

“Oh, fuck,” Dan said quietly as he realized what he’d done. He walked over to inspect the damage. The screen was shattered, and there was a large dent in the camera itself. Dan attempted to open the tiny door on the bottom that held the battery and memory card, but it was jammed shut.

“Here, let me try,” Phil said over his shoulder. He reached for the camera, but Dan shoved him away.

“It’s no use,” said Dan. “We’ll never be able to get the SD card out. It’s probably broken, anyway.”

“Dan, I’m sorry,” Phil said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dan said, cutting him off again. Apparently, Phil took that to mean that he didn’t ever want to talk about it. Phil didn’t bother him about it that night, nor the next day, nor during Vidcon. They both pretended that their game of truth or dare had never happened, and life went on as it always did.

Even after returning home, there had been no time to address what had happened. They received an unexpected request from Radio 1 asking them to submit a pilot episode for a possible weekly show. They scrambled to make it happen and to move half way across the country in time. Less than two months later, they were moving into their new flat.

“I sort of wish it had a garden, though,” Phil said of their new home, “and maybe fewer stairs.” They were unpacking some of Phil’s things after having spent the last few hours arranging the furniture in his room.

“We can’t afford a place with a garden,” Dan retorted, “not in London.”

“No, I know,” said Phil. “But maybe one day things will be different. Maybe we’ll be able to buy a house in the country with a big garden… and a cat! We should get a cat!”

“Phil, you’re allergic to cats,” Dan pointed out.

“Oh yeah…”

“Is that really how you see our future, though?” Dan pondered aloud a few moments later, “us living in a house in the country?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Phil admitted as though he had just then realized the implications of what he had said. “Whenever I imagine my future, I picture you there with me.”

Dan was stunned. That didn’t fit with the image in his head of Phil as a conniving schemer that was only using Dan and manipulating him to further his own career.

“That’s probably really weird, I’m sorry,” Phil apologized.

It was weird, but Dan decided that the surprise was more pleasant than creepy.

They hadn’t even begun to put Dan’s room together. Even his mattress was inaccessible, leaning against the wall behind a stack of boxes. Dan weighed his options, and decided that he was too tired to move them all yet that night.

“It’s getting late,” said Dan, “we can put my furniture together tomorrow. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“You don’t have to do that, Dan. You can stay in here with me,” Phil offered.

Dan hesitated to respond. Was sleeping in Phil’s bed again a line he was willing to cross?

“You’ll be really sore tomorrow if you sleep on the couch,” Phil continued. “We did actual manual labor today; you deserve a good night’s sleep.” When simply standing up made Dan’s muscles ach, he realized that Phil was probably right, and conceded. They were adults; they could share a bed without making it awkward.

Except that Dan slept more soundly and comfortably that night than he had in almost a year. It may very well have been the physical exhaustion that had brought on his deep sleep, but Dan suspected otherwise. No, when he’d woken up the next morning, there was an arm around his torso and a face pressed against his neck. And he was more okay with that than he should have been. Somehow, in spite of everything that had happened, all of the lies and mistakes, Phil still had the ability to make him feel at home.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody else want to punch them both in the face for being so stupid? 
> 
> Next chapter will be the last full-length chapter (in which all of your questions will be answered, I hope), and then there will be an epilogue from Phil's POV. 
> 
> Your comments are always appreciated!


	8. The Only Exception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for alcohol

Dan and Phil’s lives in London became very busy very quick. The people at Radio 1 had loved their pilot for some inexplicable reason, and they were given free reign to remake the Sunday evening request show into their own internet-inspired madness. It was a challenging task, mostly because they had no idea how to work in a broadcasting studio, but they poured their creativity into it and were satisfied with the end result.

It didn’t take long for their new coworkers to find out about their internet lives and their crazy fans. Dan found out months later that a few of them had actually wagered real money on whether or not he and Phil were a closeted couple.

Their producer had also taken note of the phandom’s response to the new show. She learned quickly that ratings were well correlated with how well she could tease the audience about the host’s relationship. Dan versus Phil challenges were chosen more often than not based on how much physical contact they would require.

Dan fell back into the rouse easily. He’d played that game before, and he knew exactly how successful it could be. It was crucial that they do well with the radio show, because there was no way they could afford to live in London without the extra income.

They suffered through several awkward blunders at the start, but eventually got better at pressing the right buttons and saying the right things.

The show went so well that in May, they were nominated for a Golden Headphones award from Sony. The winners were chosen by an online vote that was open to the public. With the help of their small army of fans, they won by a landslide. It almost wasn’t fair to the other radio presenters, but hey, that was the power of the internet.

Their Radio 1 coworkers were still very proud of them, especially their production team. Many congratulations and celebratory cocktails abounded at the Radio 1 after party at the home of one of the station’s prominent show hosts.

For the first time in possibly forever, Phil was significantly more intoxicated than Dan. But they really had been working incredibly hard over the preceding months, and the party was an apt opportunity to relax and celebrate. Still, Dan could not recall a time when he’d felt the need to babysit drunk Phil at a party. He did not begrudge Phil his frivolity, but the role reversal did feel a bit strange.

“Dan, come dance with me!” Phil called out to him after breaking away from a group conversation nearby. Phil had untied his tie, which then lay unevenly draped around his neck. He’d also unbuttoned the top few buttons of his dress shirt.

“Alright, but we should be heading home soon, don’t you think?”

It was already past 1 am. Maybe he would be able to coax Phil away after just a bit more dancing.

“Nooooooo!” Phil whined as he pulled Dan to his feet. Phil had looked devilishly sexy in his tuxedo earlier that evening, but now he had more of an adorable quality to him.

“Don’t you dare puke on my shoes,” Dan warned when Phil began to look a bit green as they attempted to dance to _Can’t Hold Us_. Phil shook his head. He threw his arms around Dan’s shoulders when the song ended, probably in an effort to stay upright.

“You look very nice today, Daniel,” Phil said.

“Thank you,” Dan replied with a laugh. “You already told me that before we left the house.”

“I did? Oh,” said Phil. The next song, _Just Give Me A Reason_ had already started, but they remained frozen in place.

“Here, let’s sit down for a minute,” Dan suggested, eying an empty couch. Phil detached his arms, but slumped down with his head against Dan’s shoulder as soon as they sat. Dan looked around the room for judging eyes, but found that many people had already left, and that none of those that remained seemed to be paying any attention to them.

“I miss you,” Phil murmured a few moments later.

“How can you miss me? I’m right here.”

“No, no, no,” Phil insisted, “I miss _you_. I miss _my_ Dan. I wish you’d come back.” Phil wrapped an arm around Dan’s middle and squeezed gently.

It was all utter nonsense to Dan.

“Phil, you’re not making any sense. I think we need to get you home.”

Phil sighed dramatically, but acquiesced.

Getting Phil up the many flights of stairs and into their flat was a bit of a challenge, but Dan managed to have Phil safely inside and nearly ready for bed just after two in the morning.

“Here, drink this before you fall asleep,” said Dan, holding out a glass of water.

“Thank you,” Phil mumbled.

Dan sat with Phil on the edge of his bed to make sure that his finished the water and didn’t break the glass. Phil was liable to break things even when sober, so that was not the time to be taking chances with their dishware.

“Why are you still wearing all of these _clothes_?” Phil asked a moment later, pawing at Dan’s dress shirt. Dan had never pegged Phil for being a ‘sexual predator’ drunk, but he supposed stranger things had happened.

“Stop flirting with me and drink your water,” Dan joked.

Phil rolled his eyes and chugged the remaining liquid.

“There, good job.”

Dan took the glass out of Phil’s hand and stood up to leave the room. But Phil apparently had other ideas.

“Nooooo!” he protested, clinging to Dan’s shirtsleeve. “Where are you _going_?”

“To my own room, you dingus.”

“No, you should stay here with me,” Phil insisted. He widened his blue eyes and made a sad, pleading face. “Please?”

“No, Phil,” Dan said, forcibly detaching Phil’s hand from his arm. “Goodnight.”

He wasn’t about to wake up the next morning snuggled up with his best friend with an awkward boner that sober Phil was unlikely to appreciate. Nope, he was not doing that again.

They returned to their demanding work schedule the next day, with Phil nursing a killer hangover. Dan never did ask what Phil had meant by his cryptic words and his clingy advances. He probably didn’t remember any of it anyway.

The winter months snuck up on Dan. He was working on a music video for the radio show, but by the first of December he’d still accomplished little to nothing. It was particularly difficult because he couldn’t ask Phil for help. He was meant to be competing against him, actually, which was beyond strange. Dan versus Phil was one thing, but splitting up their video-making duo was another entirely.

Dan was looking forward to Christmas because it meant a few weeks off from the radio show. However, he dreaded his impending trip to India with his family that would also take place over the holiday. His grandparents, who were paying for the trip, remained unaware of both his sexuality and his quarrels with his parents, and his parents weren’t about to tell them on his behalf.

After procrastinating as long as possible, Dan finally put together a music video that consisted entirely of purposely-ugly selfies submitted by fans. It paled in comparison to Phil’s Jack Skeleton-themed masterpiece.

It was a not-so-gentle reminder that Phil was perfectly capable of making quality videos without so much as a shred of Dan’s help.

He spent the first two days of his holiday abroad filming, editing, and uploading a video for his main channel. It was a desperate attempt to prove himself, and it had worked to an extent. Sure, he was more than capable of making a video alone, but he hadn’t really enjoyed the experience. He missed having Phil to bounce ideas off of and to reassure him that what he’d said was funny and that he’d gotten his point across.

He was a better Youtuber when he was able to work with Phil.

After an unsatisfactory hot and sticky Christmas, Dan was relieved to be headed home. He’d spent the past four New Years’ with Phil, and it was a tradition that he enjoyed upholding.

The flat was cold and dark when Dan unlocked the door late into the evening of December 29th. Phil wasn’t due back until sometime the next day.

Dan flicked on the lights and lugged his suitcase up the stairs. In the main hallway, he noticed an envelope taped to his bedroom door. His name was written in the center of it in Phil’s handwriting. Dan figured that it was just a note about work or about the flat. He removed the envelope, and opened it to find a somewhat lengthy handwritten letter.

 

            _Merry Christmas Dan!_

_Well, I guess it’ll be after Christmas by the time you’re reading this. But I hope you had a nice holiday with your family. I know your parents aren’t really your favorite people, but I hope you still had a nice time and enjoyed the warm weather._

_You’re probably wondering what this is about. (Sorry for rambling) A few months ago, I found the broken red camera that we used to vlog with in a box at the back of my closet. I guess it probably got stuck there when we moved in. I don’t really know why, but I decided to take it to a camera shop. The camera wasn’t worth trying to fix, obviously, but I wondered if they might be able to get the memory card out. They had to cut the thing apart, but they did it._

_The card is on your desk in your room. I didn’t try it to see if the files were readable, but the girl at the shop said that it looked fine to her. I’m not sure if you even want those video clips, but they should be there if you do._

_So anyways, that got me thinking about Vegas, and everything that’s happened that we’ve been ignoring for so long. I know that I owe you an explanation, but every time I’ve tried to give you one in person it just ends with us screaming at each other. I don’t want to do that anymore. So, I guess I’m trying to unwrite those pages and replace them with my own words. Or something._

_Maybe I should just start from the beginning. What I told you in Vegas was the truth. I was very much in love with you when I made that video. I think I knew by the second or third time that you came to see me in Manchester, when you stayed at my house for a week at the start of December. We watched Wall-E and we both ended up crying and you looked at me with those magnificent eyes and… I knew then that I was screwed._

_I was by no means famous or anything, but you were still a fan, a_ teenage _fan._

_We’ve both seen enough people get shamed off of Youtube for taking advantage of underage fans, so I think you know what I’m getting at._

_I know that it wasn’t quite the same situation, and that you were of age and everything, but that doesn’t mean that it was okay. I took advantage of you. I think you have enough perspective now to see that. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and that’s why I drew a line in the sand and would never admit that we were basically in a relationship. That’s why I tried so hard to push you away._

_That didn’t really work, obviously. You were too stubborn and too loyal, and I couldn’t make you leave because really I didn’t want you to. But I hurt you. And I know that apologizing for it now can’t make it okay, but I am sorry. I’m so terribly sorry._

_If you want to talk about this, we can. But I understand if you’d rather not. I just thought you should know the truth._

_Yours,_

_Phil_

_P.S. – Don’t worry, this isn’t your Christmas present. I’m bringing that back with me :)_

 

Dan wasn’t sure what exactly he’d expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. He considered the possibility that he might be dreaming or hallucinating, but the paper in his hands and everything around him seemed real enough. He checked his desk for the memory card, and it was there as promised.

Phil’s words didn’t make any sense, but at the same time, they made all the sense in the world. Of course he would have been apprehensive about dating a fan. He hadn’t pursued Dan for any sort of romantic or sexual reason. He’d been looking for a friend to help him bolster his Youtube persona. Phil had probably never expected to fall for him. No, how could he have predicted that?

It was bitterly cold in the lounge, so Dan decided to light the fireplace. He sat down right in front of its growing warmth and reread the letter a second and third time. He grabbed a pillow off of the sofa and lay back, staring at the ceiling and reevaluating everything he’d thought he’d known about Phil.

What was he hoping to accomplish by revealing this information now, after so much time had passed? Did he want to get back together? Not that they had ever been together in the first place… No, Phil had always used the past tense when talking about his feelings for Dan. What was it about, then?

Dan never did come up with any answers to that question before he fell asleep.

He woke up late into the next morning to the sound of footsteps on the stairs.

“Dan?” he heard Phil call to him. Dan sat up and saw Phil standing timidly in the doorway to the lounge. He scrambled to his feet. Momentarily forgetting the letter, and just happy to see his best friend again, Dan crossed the room and threw his arms around Phil’s shoulders. 

“I missed you,” he muttered, his face pressed against the back of Phil’s neck. Phil reciprocated the embrace, but still seemed a bit apprehensive. “And I, um… I read your letter,” he added.

“I’m sorry if I upset you,” Phil said, pulling away from the hug. “I just felt like I owed you a long overdue explanation.”

“Yeah,” Dan said, unsure of what else to add.

“Did you have a nice trip?”

“It was okay,” Dan replied, “too hot for Christmas, though. How was your holiday?”

“Good,” Phil answered.

There was an unmistakable tension between them. Dan supposed that serious conversations were never easy to start.

“I forgive you, you know,” Dan blurted out a moment later.

“What?” Phil asked, more out of astonishment than confusion.

“I’ve known for a long time that you weren’t being completely honest with me, and at some point I guess I decided that it didn’t matter. I forgave you.”

“Really? I mean… _why_?”

Dan sat down on the sofa, and Phil followed his lead. “Don’t get me wrong, what you did was fucking awful, but it’s not like we can go back and change it. What’s done is done.”

“Okay, true,” Phil agreed. “But… where do we go from here?”

That was a very good question. And Dan had yet to come up with an answer to it.

“I really don’t know. I guess that depends on what we both want.”

“And what is it that you want?”

How was he supposed to answer that? Dan wanted Phil, but Phil had always known that. It was Phil’s position that had apparently changed. It was really his decision to make.

“Why did you write that letter? Why now, I mean?” Dan asked instead.

“I’ve wanted to for a while now, but things have just been so crazy with the radio show and everything that I just never got around to it,” Phil explained. “I thought that since we had a bit of a break now, that it would be as good a time as any to figure all of this out.

Basically, I wanted to apologize. I wanted you to know the truth. And I wanted you to know that I love you.”

Tears were brimming in Dan’s eyes. His mind was spinning with the words he never thought he would hear come out of Phil Lester’s mouth. He lurched forward to hug Phil yet again. No matter what happened, he would always have those words, and he would know that his feeling for Phil hadn’t just been some one-sided delusion.

“I know that I probably shouldn’t, and that this might all end terribly like it always has before. But I also know that you’re the only best friend I’ve ever had, and that I’m a better Youtuber and a better person because of you. And I know that whatever we decide to do doesn’t really matter because our entire lives are meaningless in the context of the universe,” Dan took a deep breath before continuing. “And I love you.”

Phil pushed away slightly in order to have a proper look at Dan’s face. The tears were streaking down Dan’s cheeks, so Phil wiped them away with his thumbs. Caressing Dan’s face in his hands, Phil leaned forward to kiss his lips.

It was sudden, yet soft and gentle at the same time. The emotions were overwhelming. As their lips moved, a sort of warm excitement continued to build in Dan’s chest until it felt as thought it would literally explode. Dan wrapped his hands around Phil’s back, and Phil’s roamed downward as well, pulling them closer together.

But their conversation was far from resolved. When Dan broke away from the kiss, he saw that Phil was crying as well.

“So… what happens now?” Dan asked tentatively.

“We can’t exactly start over,” said Phil, “But I’d like to try again. I want to be with you, properly this time. If you’ll have me, that is.”

“I think we can make that happen,” Dan replied with a smile.

Phil kisses him again, more vigorously this time. Dan couldn’t think of a single better way to start the new year.

Their lives quickly returned to their busy pace, but the stressful weeks were sprinkled with pizza-and-a-movie date nights, make out sessions on the couch, and lazy Saturday mornings spent lingering in bed. When their fans started to catch on to their renewed comfortableness with one another, they couldn’t even be bothered to care. They’d never been so ridiculously, disgustingly happy. Dan couldn’t help but think that after all they’d been through they damn well deserved it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a playlist to go along with this fic which you can find [here](http://thechroniclesofawallflower.tumblr.com/post/122473143939/swing-life-away-playlist)
> 
> This is the last full chapter, but there will be an epilogue coming your way soon!


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: SMUT and diabolical amounts of fluff like seriously what has gotten into me wow

_July 2015_

Phil hated emails. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He recognized that emails made modern life much easier and all, but he maintained that they were more often than not a nuisance.

It was Sunday night, and he was sat in the lounge trying to clear out his inbox. There was a small mountain of spam to delete, but that was nothing compared to the daunting task of actually replying to all of the legitimate messages.

There were things about the book and the tour that needed to be dealt with, a few messages from Youtube friends who were scheduled to appear on the Internet Takeover soon, and a handful of sponsorship offers that he almost always turned down. And he had to type out coherent, polite replies to all of them.

There were also a few things that he needed to talk to Dan about before replying to, but they could wait until the morning.

That thought sent Phil’s mind on quite a tangent.

Dan was by far the best thing that had ever happened to him. He would never understand what he’d done to deserve such a loving, creative, and inspiring person as the love of his life.

He somehow missed Dan, even though he was just down the hall in his bedroom. It was a silly problem, Phil decided, and one that he could easily fix.

“Hello,” Dan said as Phil walked across the room to stand just behind his chair.

“Hello Bear,” Phil greeted, placing his arms around Dan’s chest from behind. He’d resurrected Dan’s old nickname about a year ago, much to Dan’s delight. It was something personal and special that they kept just between the two of them. “What are you working on?”

“Just editing some Dil,” Dan replied. He cut out a bit of footage, then spliced two pieces to create a jump cut.

“Ah yes, our digital son,” Phil quipped. Their Sims videos staring Dil Howlter were the most popular videos on their gaming channel. This made sense, as a large portion of their viewers watched their gaming videos for their domestic banter rather than the actual game play. And that was just fine with Phil.

Dan ignored Phil’s embrace and continued on with his work, which prompted Phil to begin kissing his neck.

“You’re being very distracting,” Dan protested.

“That’s the point,” Phil explained. “It’s late. This video isn’t scheduled to go up for another few days. You deserve a break.”  

“Phil,” Dan began to protest, but was sidetracked by Phil sucking at a particularly sensitive spot just beneath his right ear.

“Please?”

Dan reached up to remove his headphones and placed them on the desk. “Will you help me finish this tomorrow if I don’t have time?”

“You’re the one who decided to watch Formula One races all afternoon,” Phil teased. Dan rolled his eyes.

“Then stop distracting me!” protested Dan. Phil kissed him again on the underside of his jaw and trailed one of his hands slowly down Dan’s stomach.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding, of course I’ll help,” Phil promised.

“And you’ll answer the door if the postman waked us up early in the morning?” Dan asked, turning sideways in his chair to face Phil.

“Certainly.”

“I love it when you’re horny, I can get you to agree to anything,” Dan commented as he stood up and wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist.

“Mmm,” Phil agreed, connecting their lips and bringing Dan closer by pulling on his hips. He traced his hands up Dan’s sides, dragging his shirt up as he went. Dan disconnected their kiss to allow Phil to pull his shirt over his head. Phil thought it best to remove his own shirt as well before continuing.

It was Dan who made the next move, kissing Phil once more and pulling them backwards toward the door.

“No, let’s just stay in here,” Phil suggested. Why bother venturing into his bedroom, which they usually shared now, when there was a perfectly good bed right there?

“Okay,” Dan agreed with a smirk. Phil took a few steps back and stood next the side of Dan’s bed. Dan reached out and pushed him down onto the mattress with a playful shove. Phil absolutely loved it when Dan decided to take charge.

Belt buckles were undone and jeans were removed in quick fashion. The sensation of so much skin touching skin was exhilarating, no matter how many times they’d experienced it.

“What else did you have in mind?” Dan asked from above him. “What do you want?”

“You,” was all Phil said in response.

“I’m going to need you to be a bit more specific.”

Phil silenced his boyfriend with a fervent kiss. His tongue made brief contact with Dan’s as he shifted to create more friction between their hips. Dan moaned into his mouth, which had to be one of the sexiest things Phil had ever experienced.

They eventually assumed a more familiar position, with Phil kneeling between Dan’s legs. While circling one of Dan’s nipples with his tongue, Phil also reached down to palm Dan through his boxer briefs.

Meanwhile, Dan searched the drawer of his bedside table for a bottle of lube. That task accomplished, Dan returned his hand to Phil’s hair as Phil moved lower and lower with his mouth.

“And what is it that you want, Dan?” Phil asked after removing their last traces of clothing.

Dan paused to think for a moment, and then said, “I want to ride you.”

Phil smiled, and then placed a kiss on Dan’s inner thigh. He then turned his attention to Dan’s dick, which he licked and sucked in an effort to distract Dan from the discomfort of his fingers gently opening him up. It had been several days since they’d last had sex, and probably over a week since Dan had bottomed.

“Phil, phil, phil,” Dan muttered in pleasure. Phil took him as far into his mouth as he could manage, and Dan gasped. Phil absolutely loved watching Dan come undone. “You’d better stop or I’m going to come like this,” Dan warned.

“Are you ready?” asked Phil after withdrawing his lips and fingers.

“Yes,” Dan assured him.

Phil crawled up to kiss Dan a few more times before rolling over onto his back. Dan climbed on top of him eagerly, took hold of his dick to guide it into position, and sank down slowly onto it.

The tightness and the warmth were incredible.

Dan leaned forward, and Phil sat up slightly to meet him and pressed their foreheads together. They both shut their eyes, savoring the moment.

“This is the best feeling in the world,” Dan said. He began to move after that, and Phil let him control their pace. The slow rhythm eventually gave way to faster thrusts. Phil pumped Dan with his fist as he neared his climax.

Dan groaned as his come spattered against Phil’s stomach. His face was flushed, his eyes remained clamped shut, and he breathed heavily through is mouth. The way he continued to clench around Phil in that moment was what Phil would have called the best feeling in the world. Phil continued to thrust into him briefly until he too found release.

Dan let himself fall forward onto Phil’s chest to catch his breath. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s back, holding him close.

“I love you so much,” said Phil. He knew that the phrase lost some of its sincerity in that particular situation, but sometimes he just felt so full of the word that he couldn’t help but say it anyway.

“I love you, too,” Dan returned. He sounded rather sleepy, which Phil knew that they needed to stave off, if only for a few more minutes. 

“We’re going to be a rather sticky mess here soon if we don’t clean up.”

Dan rolled onto his side, revealing the come that had been sandwiched between them.

“How about a quick shower?” Phil suggested.

“No, I’m too tired to move.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back,” Phil said before walking down to the bathroom to grab a damp washcloth. He cleaned himself and Dan up, and then crawled back into bed.

Dan fell asleep quickly, but Phil stayed awake for a while, preoccupied by thinking of how incredibly lucky he was to still have Dan in his life. How he’d ever taken him for granted was a shameful mystery.

Phil still woke up well before Dan. He untangled his legs from Dan’s and went to take a long overdue shower.

When he was finished and dressed, Dan was still asleep. Phil was hungry, but he knew that Dan would be disappointed if he ate breakfast without him.

“Dan,” he called as he walked back into Dan’s bedroom. “Do you want some breakfast? Maybe some cereal?” He sat down on the edge of the bed.

There was a muffled groaning noise, and then Dan asked, “what time is it?”

“Nearly eleven,” Phil answered. He decided to lie down next to Dan for a few moments.

“Just a few more minutes,” Dan said.

“If I leave, you’ll just fall asleep again, so I’m going to have to stay here until you get up.”

“That’s fine, you’re much more comfortable to lie on than these pillows anyway,” Dan retorted, snuggling up to Phil and laying his head on his chest.

“You’ve probably just gotten used to the pillows in my room again.”

Dan hummed in agreement. Phil ran his fingers through Dan’s hair absentmindedly. Then his stomach decided to growl audibly.

“Good grief, are you that hungry?” Dan lifted his head and asked. He seemed much more awake. “Why didn’t you just eat something?”

“Because I wanted to be a good boyfriend and wait for you,” Phil explained.

Dan sighed. “You are a good boyfriend.” Phil smiled at that. Sometimes he did need the reassurance.  

Phil fixed them both coffee and cereal (with almond milk, because Phil was now lactose intolerant and Dan was trying out being vegan). As they sat in the lounge eating their breakfast and watching their morning anime, Dan leaned over to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder.

Those moments were always the best parts of Phil’s day, before they started to think about all of the projects and the deadlines and the unanswered emails. If only for a little while, the past and the future didn’t matter, and they could just be Dan and Phil.

They maintained their relationship’s secrecy, but it was no longer a ploy to keep their audience on their toes. No, it was simply one of very few things that they kept very private, because it was so special to them. It kept them grounded and it kept them sane.

Phil thought about the little square box with the ring inside that was tucked safely in the back of his sock drawer. They weren’t quite ready for it yet, but Phil knew that one day they would be. In the meantime, he was perfectly content, and he was pretty sure that Dan finally was, too.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6 months and 25k words later, this fic is finally finished! Thank you so much for readings and for leaving me all of your kudos and comments!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [wallflowerchronicles](http://wallflowerchronicles.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. Come say hi!


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